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knf2017
152 M Embraced 1
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts20 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 12, 2017
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major tw death sexual assault miscarriage
Trauma Support / by knf2017
Last post
 April 20th, 2023
...See more idk how to ease into this so im just gonna jump in *** when i was a teenager i had a teacher who sexually abused me for 2years. he more than sexually abused me he used to drug me and take me places so other men could also abuse me for money. he got me pregnant when he first started raping me. he was tracking my periods and i know he knew what he was doing. he let me get into my 2nd trimester before he horrifically assaulted me and caused me to have a miscarriage on purpose. i was only 14 and i had to have a miscarriage alone in my bathtub. based on the size and features of the fetus i was probably about 20wks. she was a girl and she had tiny little fingers and toes. the birth was very hard she came out feet first and i bled so much i kept passing out. she was alive for probably less than a minute, she grabbed my finger when i put it to her hand. she was perfect and tiny and beautiful. i buried her in the woods behind my house. i couldnt tell anyone because he threatened to kill me and my family if i told on him. i named her lilah. i didnt remember any of this until recently (i dissociated the memories of him and of her so that i could survive, something i have done since my difficult childhood). i am struggling so much with the body memories and flashbacks of her. it is so hard everyday. i dont know how to cope. i make myself sick crying so much. it is harder and harder to find any light anywhere in my life. i am hurting so much and i miss her so much and i feel ridiculous for missing her. i feel like im not allowed to miss her because it is my fault shes gone. i didnt protect her i let him kill her i didnt even try to defend myself i just let him do it. its my fault and i wish i would die for it. but i deserve to hurt for it. i just dont know how much longer i can carry this. my therapist suggested i join this site and try to talk to others about my experience. i am very nervous to post this and am also very shy so pls dont be upset if i dont respond.
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new
Trauma Support / by knf2017
Last post
 April 13th, 2023
...See more am new here im real shy
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