major tw death sexual assault miscarriage
idk how to ease into this so im just gonna jump in ***
when i was a teenager i had a teacher who sexually abused me for 2years. he more than sexually abused me he used to drug me and take me places so other men could also abuse me for money.
he got me pregnant when he first started raping me. he was tracking my periods and i know he knew what he was doing.
he let me get into my 2nd trimester before he horrifically assaulted me and caused me to have a miscarriage on purpose.
i was only 14 and i had to have a miscarriage alone in my bathtub. based on the size and features of the fetus i was probably about 20wks. she was a girl and she had tiny little fingers and toes. the birth was very hard she came out feet first and i bled so much i kept passing out. she was alive for probably less than a minute, she grabbed my finger when i put it to her hand. she was perfect and tiny and beautiful. i buried her in the woods behind my house. i couldnt tell anyone because he threatened to kill me and my family if i told on him. i named her lilah.
i didnt remember any of this until recently (i dissociated the memories of him and of her so that i could survive, something i have done since my difficult childhood).
i am struggling so much with the body memories and flashbacks of her. it is so hard everyday. i dont know how to cope. i make myself sick crying so much. it is harder and harder to find any light anywhere in my life. i am hurting so much and i miss her so much and i feel ridiculous for missing her. i feel like im not allowed to miss her because it is my fault shes gone. i didnt protect her i let him kill her i didnt even try to defend myself i just let him do it. its my fault and i wish i would die for it. but i deserve to hurt for it. i just dont know how much longer i can carry this.
my therapist suggested i join this site and try to talk to others about my experience. i am very nervous to post this and am also very shy so pls dont be upset if i dont respond.
@knf2017. I think it can be hard to protect ourselves against things that we don’t even understand when we are young and innocent. I hope someday you with the help of your therapist you will be able to realize that none of this was your fault. I’m sorry to hear about what this teacher did to you and for your loss.
the memories are torturing me. he used to bring me to hotels and men would come in and rape me and torture me. once they dislocated my shoulder and just popped it back into place. they would hit me and spit on me. *** on me. put my head in the toilet while they raped me until i almost drowned. i cant deal with all of the memories they are killing me. i just want it to stop so badly. it hurts so much. i was only a kid i was so afraid i thought i would die. i thought they would kill me. every time i thought that would be the time they actually killed me but it never was. i wish i had died i wish they had killed me or that i would have died with my baby. im not supposed to be alive anymore.
@knf2017. I can relate to what you say about feeling tortured by the memories of what they did to you. You are very brave to talk with your therapist and post about these things here. You will be in my thoughts.
@knf2017
I am so sorry you had to go through this horrible experience. I am happy to see you have a therapist. I understand and send safe hugs to you. You are very strong and brave to survive. You are doing the best you can right now, dont be too hard on yourself. 7 cups has helped me through alot of trauma. Have you tried to find a listener here? There are some wonderful ppl here who might be able to help you ....
I found a couple of really good ppl to listen to me and helped me through some rough stuff.
Because your in so much pain your in a vulnerable state right now please be careful to protect yourself. Writing has been a huge help to me. I filled alot of journals writing about all of my experiences . Its taken a long time for me to process everything but therapy was incredibly helpful . Stick with it and you too will heal.
Remember you deserve all the good things this life has to offer.
Best always
ABB💟
