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kristenpeach
275 M Embraced 2
PathStep 51 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2022 Member sinceApril 8, 2017
Bio

hi, i'm kristen and i love video games, cats, my best friend, my boyfriend, and memes. i also enjoy doing art sometimes.

i have anxiety, adhd, trauma, and depression. sometimes i wonder if i’ll ever get better.

Recent forum posts
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abusive father… apologizing?
Family & Caregivers / by kristenpeach
Last post
 September 9th, 2021
...See more hi, everyone. my entire life i’ve had to deal with emotional abuse from my father. he’s called me lazy, stupid, and other things, too. when i was younger he would start to throw some of my most expensive toys away as a threat (leaving me to basically get on my knees and beg and sob) before he gave them back. he always makes me feel bad and is extremely controlling of my body and my life, even though i’m 21 now. (basically i’m not allowed to do anything or express myself until i move out. for example, when i got my first tattoo at 19 he deliberately didn’t talk to me for two weeks until he addressed the fact that he didn’t talk to me for two weeks because of what i did). he’s gone through my phone and left me to beg for my privacy even in the middle of family gatherings. he always says i should feel bad when i feel bad about something that i have no reason to actually feel bad for. he always comes home from work every day and yells at me or my mom for not turning on his AC or not straightening out the bath mats or other stupid things like that. he’s told me to my face that he prefers my mom over me, even though he treats both of us like crap. there’s a ton of other things but i’m sure you get the gist by now. well, just a little while ago, maybe 30 minutes or so, he came into my room and sincerely apologized for the way he’s treated me all these years. he told me he hated himself for the way he’s treated me. he said its not an excuse but he was also abused growing up and that’s just the way it was back then. he told me he wanted to try to make things better between us, to try to treat me better, because he can tell how little i care for him now. he said that he acknowledges that we’re the same but different and that i’m my own individual (even though past acts like i’ve stated above tell me otherwise). all of this is leaving me to be extremely conflicted. on one hand, i want to try to believe him in that he’ll be better and i want to mend our relationship. on the other hand, i feel like things are too far gone to ever be fully mended and that things would be better (for me) if i cut him out of my life completely when i move out. my memory is very foggy but i feel like i remember him apologizing like this in the past but, obviously, nothing came of it. i really don’t know what to do. all i know is that right now, at this point in my life, i still feel like i want to keep my distance. maybe after i move out we can mend our relationship, i don’t know. i just don’t know whether to forgive him and give him a second (or third, or fourth) chance or just cut him off completely, even though he shows genuine remorse. i’m so conflicted because i’m afraid to hurt his feelings even though he’s hurt mine countless times throughout my life, whether it was intentional or unintentional. i don’t know what to do.
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relationship problems linking to mental illnesses
Relationship Stress / by kristenpeach
Last post
 April 8th, 2017
...See more (i didn't know how to better title this thread because there's a lot going on, sorry!!) so my "boyfriend" and i of 1 1/2 years have started having problems over the past month (he "broke up" with me on march 7th). i keep using quotation marks because within the past month, things have gone up and down between us. it first started out with him dropping me off at my house from school, as per usual, but instead of laughing and joking and making out as usual couples do, he broke up with me. i knew there was something going on from the very beginning when, during his beak up with me, he kept contradicting himself. (i.e. "i still love you", "i don't love you", "i don't want to break up with you"/"i still want to be with you but i can't", "i don't want to be with you", etc.) prior to any of this, our relationship has been as happy and as steady as two teenagers with depression and anxiety can make it. four days after we broke up, we got back together for two hours with positive outlooks and high hopes before he broke up with me again, saying "i don't love you that way anymore." this, obviously, hurt deeply. to make a long story slightly shorter, about a week after breaking up for the SECOND time, (this is the earliest thing i can remember, my memories between the day he broke up with me and around this time are fuzzy to me) he opened up to me and said that he's really going through a lot and that he still loves me but he just can't be with me right now, and that he wants to start over- since we did rush into our relationship- by being friends for a few months before getting back together. i agreed and said this is fine. things were going well between us, but during the course of the month, we practically acted like we were still in a relationship without calling it such. (kissing privately, hugging, saying "i love you" and "i miss you", etc.) about a week after our "starting over" discussion, i felt like he broke up with me again saying that we had to go "even slower", and i was sad but understood. after a couple days of being distant, we went back to acting like we were in a relationship again. (just to note, now that i look back on all of this, doing these romantic things with him during the past month was probably a mistake.) i've been talking to him about what's going on and we believe that he has some sort of bipolar disorder, due to his frequent mood swings, "high highs" and "low lows", and i've been constantly thinking about how he hasn't been acting like himself for the past month, due to him CONSTANTLY contradicting himself, sometimes within the same day, and he's just had this different aura about him. a couple days ago, after embracing and being romantic, he apologized and talked to me, saying "kristen, i love you, but i'm really not ready for a relationship right now. i can't do this. it's. over. i want to be with you but i can't handle it. i have to get over you. i don't want to give you false hope- well, not exactly FALSE hope, but i don't want you to get your hopes up. i've been feeling not only trapped, but pressured into getting back together with you, and that's really taking a toll on me." (that's basically all i can remember, i guess my brain subconsciously tried to block that memory from my head, with good reason.) i've been doing better, albeit him constantly hurting me, but i'm having a huge relationship crisis over all of this. i don't want what we had to crash and burn because of something that he can't currently control. please help!!! (if anything needs to be clarified, feel free to ask)
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