abusive father… apologizing?

hi, everyone.

my entire life i’ve had to deal with emotional abuse from my father. he’s called me lazy, stupid, and other things, too. when i was younger he would start to throw some of my most expensive toys away as a threat (leaving me to basically get on my knees and beg and sob) before he gave them back. he always makes me feel bad and is extremely controlling of my body and my life, even though i’m 21 now. (basically i’m not allowed to do anything or express myself until i move out. for example, when i got my first tattoo at 19 he deliberately didn’t talk to me for two weeks until he addressed the fact that he didn’t talk to me for two weeks because of what i did). he’s gone through my phone and left me to beg for my privacy even in the middle of family gatherings. he always says i should feel bad when i feel bad about something that i have no reason to actually feel bad for. he always comes home from work every day and yells at me or my mom for not turning on his AC or not straightening out the bath mats or other stupid things like that. he’s told me to my face that he prefers my mom over me, even though he treats both of us like crap.

there’s a ton of other things but i’m sure you get the gist by now.

well, just a little while ago, maybe 30 minutes or so, he came into my room and sincerely apologized for the way he’s treated me all these years. he told me he hated himself for the way he’s treated me. he said its not an excuse but he was also abused growing up and that’s just the way it was back then. he told me he wanted to try to make things better between us, to try to treat me better, because he can tell how little i care for him now. he said that he acknowledges that we’re the same but different and that i’m my own individual (even though past acts like i’ve stated above tell me otherwise).

all of this is leaving me to be extremely conflicted. on one hand, i want to try to believe him in that he’ll be better and i want to mend our relationship. on the other hand, i feel like things are too far gone to ever be fully mended and that things would be better (for me) if i cut him out of my life completely when i move out. my memory is very foggy but i feel like i remember him apologizing like this in the past but, obviously, nothing came of it. i really don’t know what to do. all i know is that right now, at this point in my life, i still feel like i want to keep my distance. maybe after i move out we can mend our relationship, i don’t know. i just don’t know whether to forgive him and give him a second (or third, or fourth) chance or just cut him off completely, even though he shows genuine remorse.

i’m so conflicted because i’m afraid to hurt his feelings even though he’s hurt mine countless times throughout my life, whether it was intentional or unintentional.

i don’t know what to do.