lalaloveland Member Profile

...See more The very big thing I dislike about society is how everyone expects you to be somewhere in life as you get older. I'm not like most 22 year olds and that makes me stand out. I feel like a lot of people judge the things I cannot do just yet or the things I don't have right now. A big thing about me that is different from most 22 year olds is not driving a car. Well, I do drive a car. Just not on the highway, at night, in different areas that I'm not familiar with. I'm too afraid to pick up a friend and drop them off. I only like to drive really early in the morning when there's no traffic. When I drive when there's a lot of traffic, I get very nervous. I feel my heartrate increase, my mouth gets dry, my hands start to shake, my legs and feet shake. Even before I get in the car, if I know I'm gonna be driving that day, I have horrible stomach aches and nausea throughout the day. When I experience all of this, I notice I don't drive very well. I focus more on how I feel and how to calm myself down, rather than my driving and paying attention to the road. When I think I did something incorrectly when driving and someone beeps at me, I think about it all day. This is why I'm too afraid to ask my friends to hang out with me. My friends probably think I don't like them, or I don't care about them. But the truth is, I'm afraid to go in my car and meet you somewhere, or go to your house. And I don't wanna inconvenience anyone by having them picking me up where I live, which is in the middle of nowhere. So I remain friendless until I move back to college and live on campus. I've always had a lot of trouble with driving. I never started at 16 like everyone else. I started at 18. I failed my driver's test twice and had horrible experiences both times. It was very hard for me. I felt like such a loser for failing a test that everyone says is easy. I finally passed when I was 20 and got my driver's license. I was so happy. I couldn't wait to get a car and go driving. I got my first car when I was 21 and I had a lot of fun driving. I drove to the gym, I drove to the grocery store and around my block. I got into my first accident a month after I got my car. The accident made me sad for a while, but I was okay. I got into my second accident on my way to college. The accident terrified me and made me very sad, but I was okay. One time, I crossed into a wrong lane and no one would let me into the correct lane. I was very scared and didn't know what to do. I ended up cutting off a school bus. It was very scary and I cried as I kept driving. A couple months later, it was raining really bad and I couldn't see the road really well. I accidentally hit a huge stick, causing my car to make a really loud strange sound. I pulled over and called home. I was crying and shaking. I felt like I was in danger. After that happened, I let my fears and anxieties take over. I feel like driving isn't for me. It's safer for everyone else if I just stay off the road. I never tell anyone about this. I guess I'm too embarrassed about it. What kind of a 22 year old is afraid to drive? I feel like even if I told people, no one would understand. "Everyone gets into accidents, but they still continue driving." I feel like I'm all alone and no one else has this issue besides me. I have a hard time finding jobs in my field because of my problem. A lot of jobs that I wanna work at require you to transport clients in your vehicle or a company vehicle. Or they require you to drive to multiple locations throughout the work day. I could never work a job like that- I would be putting other people in danger and myself in danger by going to places that aren't familiar to me. I know there's some job out there in my field that doesn't require employees to drive- I just have to find it. This problem heavily impacted my last relationship. This is why I never tell people about it. All he did was judge, complain and make me feel even more horrible about it. I guess what I learned from that is that if I want to date again, I need to find a guy who will be okay with this. So I will have to tell him about it even before we start dating. If he's not okay with this, I can't be with him. I haven't drove in months. I will drive early mornings again to go to the gym, because I love the gym and I'm willing to take the risk of driving there to workout. I will probably feel all of those horrible feelings that I described earlier, but I hope they stop eventually. I don't know what else to do. I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could be like everyone else and drive without fear. I wish people would be okay with it and not judge. I wish society would be okay with it. I wish I could be okay with it.

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