Driving Anxiety and How it Impacts My Life
The very big thing I dislike about society is how everyone expects you to be somewhere in life as you get older. I'm not like most 22 year olds and that makes me stand out. I feel like a lot of people judge the things I cannot do just yet or the things I don't have right now.
A big thing about me that is different from most 22 year olds is not driving a car. Well, I do drive a car. Just not on the highway, at night, in different areas that I'm not familiar with. I'm too afraid to pick up a friend and drop them off. I only like to drive really early in the morning when there's no traffic. When I drive when there's a lot of traffic, I get very nervous. I feel my heartrate increase, my mouth gets dry, my hands start to shake, my legs and feet shake. Even before I get in the car, if I know I'm gonna be driving that day, I have horrible stomach aches and nausea throughout the day. When I experience all of this, I notice I don't drive very well. I focus more on how I feel and how to calm myself down, rather than my driving and paying attention to the road. When I think I did something incorrectly when driving and someone beeps at me, I think about it all day. This is why I'm too afraid to ask my friends to hang out with me. My friends probably think I don't like them, or I don't care about them. But the truth is, I'm afraid to go in my car and meet you somewhere, or go to your house. And I don't wanna inconvenience anyone by having them picking me up where I live, which is in the middle of nowhere. So I remain friendless until I move back to college and live on campus.
I've always had a lot of trouble with driving. I never started at 16 like everyone else. I started at 18. I failed my driver's test twice and had horrible experiences both times. It was very hard for me. I felt like such a loser for failing a test that everyone says is easy. I finally passed when I was 20 and got my driver's license. I was so happy. I couldn't wait to get a car and go driving. I got my first car when I was 21 and I had a lot of fun driving. I drove to the gym, I drove to the grocery store and around my block.
I got into my first accident a month after I got my car. The accident made me sad for a while, but I was okay. I got into my second accident on my way to college. The accident terrified me and made me very sad, but I was okay. One time, I crossed into a wrong lane and no one would let me into the correct lane. I was very scared and didn't know what to do. I ended up cutting off a school bus. It was very scary and I cried as I kept driving. A couple months later, it was raining really bad and I couldn't see the road really well. I accidentally hit a huge stick, causing my car to make a really loud strange sound. I pulled over and called home. I was crying and shaking. I felt like I was in danger. After that happened, I let my fears and anxieties take over. I feel like driving isn't for me. It's safer for everyone else if I just stay off the road.
I never tell anyone about this. I guess I'm too embarrassed about it. What kind of a 22 year old is afraid to drive? I feel like even if I told people, no one would understand. "Everyone gets into accidents, but they still continue driving." I feel like I'm all alone and no one else has this issue besides me.
I have a hard time finding jobs in my field because of my problem. A lot of jobs that I wanna work at require you to transport clients in your vehicle or a company vehicle. Or they require you to drive to multiple locations throughout the work day. I could never work a job like that- I would be putting other people in danger and myself in danger by going to places that aren't familiar to me. I know there's some job out there in my field that doesn't require employees to drive- I just have to find it.
This problem heavily impacted my last relationship. This is why I never tell people about it. All he did was judge, complain and make me feel even more horrible about it. I guess what I learned from that is that if I want to date again, I need to find a guy who will be okay with this. So I will have to tell him about it even before we start dating. If he's not okay with this, I can't be with him.
I haven't drove in months. I will drive early mornings again to go to the gym, because I love the gym and I'm willing to take the risk of driving there to workout. I will probably feel all of those horrible feelings that I described earlier, but I hope they stop eventually.
I don't know what else to do. I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could be like everyone else and drive without fear. I wish people would be okay with it and not judge. I wish society would be okay with it. I wish I could be okay with it.
@lalaloveland
I can really relate to how you feel. But do not let your anxiety of driving make you feel bad, it took me a long time to realize that its not to drive. Im 37 years old and have only driven a handful of times. I know with my anxiety I would be a danger on the road. I have been harassed and bullied about not driving by so many people. It makes you feel horrible, but Ive learned if somone is really your friend, they will accept you for who you are and wont care that you dont drive. Sure, it sucks not driving, i hate relying on others. But I know i would be a danger on the road. Drive only what you feel comforable with, I dont feel comortable driving at all. My husband tried reteaching me a few years ago, and i got a panic attack in the drive way and drove the car over the cement wall in the driveway. That did it for me. Alot of people dont understand. I had someone harrass me about it until i freaked out of them, and she never harassed me again. Do not let the fact that you only drive at certain times or wont drive certain places make you feel bad, its ok. There are alot of people in the same situation as you and alot of people who understand how you feel.
I feel very anxious when I drive too. For me, I need to be chewing gum, the moment I sit in the car. I don't like driving on unfamiliar roads too, so I end up studying the map of the roads to take from Google Map for a few days before the need to get somewhere (like doctor's appointment or other places I've never driven to). When I'm driving to somewhere far, or on highways, my feel myself tense up, and my grip on the wheel is tight. Sometimes to a point where after I have my car parked, my fingers feel numb and tingly.
Like you, I'm also not the ones that went to get their License at 16. I was going through one of my major depressive and anxiety phases then, and I believed that I wasn't mature enought to be driving on the road. That it would be a danger to myself and other respective drivers on the road. I actually didn't get my License until I was 20 or 21. I'm still using the N because I cannot parallel park and I'm afraid that the Road Test requires me parallel park and that I'd fail because I can't do it. So, I've just been renewing my license when it's close to the expiry. I'm 30 now, and I still don't like to drive. If I ever get a boyfriend, it would be great if he likes to drive (and safely).
I'm liking my current job, because it starts at 5am. I leave the house at 4:30am and there are like less than 10 cars I see on the road to work (which takes 15 minutes). It's just that when I leave work after my shift, the roads are a lot busier. So, when I drive, I try and get into the correct lane right off the bat. So, that I don't need to worry about the need to cut lanes for when I need to turn. I'm even more anxious now when driving than compared to the years before. I finally got my first vehicle early January 2017, my first car I bought as a New Car, chose my own colour and all. So, I've been trying to be very careful when I drive it. This car is slightly longer and wider than my previous car, so I'm still getting used to turning corners. I recently got anxious as I was driving and about to turn right at an intersection because the car behind me basically tailgating me, and it was making me very nervous, that I turned my wheel a bit too early, and the right, front wheel, scraped the curb. So, the rim got scraped! And it was even more scary, because someone was standing there waiting to cross the street. I probably looked very stupid. But, I guess they would be more understanding after seeing the N on my window. They just won't know that I've actually had that for a long time already.
At times, if the place where I need to go is closeby, or just down at the foot of the hill. I would end up walking than driving. If possible, I'd rather walk than drive.
So, I think I know how you feel about driving. Although I've never got into an accident before. It's still a scary and anxious experience for me whenever I'm on the road. Whether it be the same road I take to get to work, or to some place I've never been before. It's just plain scary for me~
@lalaloveland I get nervous in heavy traffic as well, so you are not alone. I went through a period where I was scared of driving too. I still get that way, but it is managed better with my medication. Do you live in an area with uber or buses? Once you find work, those would be good modes for getting to and from work. There is honestly nothing wrong with not wanting to drive. It isn't for everyone and certainly should not be forced on someone when there are alternatives. I'm sure your friends would be sympathetic. They might not understand, unless they suffer from anxiety, but if they are good people, they will not hate you for it.