lavenderPal1002 Member Profile

Bro when i get left on open

Relationship Stress / by lavenderPal1002

April 14th, 2022

Left on Open

Relationship Stress / by lavenderPal1002

January 28th, 2022

Friend dies by suicide at 17

Trauma Support / by lavenderPal1002

January 26th, 2022

...See more It would mean a lot to me if someone read this❤️ 2 weeks ago one of my close friends died by suicide. Im in grade 12 and our first semester is almost over. On January 10th, the principle interrupted our biology class at 1:15pm to tell us something. He came in and read off a piece of paper, “we are sorry to inform you, but earlier today one of the grade 12 students, *name of my friend*, died this morning” The tension in the room could be felt and everyone was crying. I didn’t immediately start crying though and I think it’s because I was in so much shock. About 5min after the principle left my teacher started teaching the lesson again because we still had a final to write. Nobody was paying attention. We were all crying. There was still 45min left of the class and it was painful to be there. The rest of the day was a blur, but all I remember is it all happened so slowly. On Tuesday the school made all close friends see the school councillor. The thing about our school councillor though is that she is terrible at keeping secrets and tells students each others secrets all the time. So i went to talk to her and i was very emotional at the time so i told her how, guilty and awful I felt, all while breaking down in front of her. She then told me how he killed himself. He hung himself. I really dont understand why she thought telling one of her grieving students how her friend killed himself in great detail was a good idea. I dont even think this is information she was suppose to release. especially one day after my friends death. After all this, i was not doing great. Just knowing how my friend did it really fucked with my head. All i could do was picture him setting everything up. On Wednesday we were told my friends funeral would take place on Friday and that it would be open casket. Ive never been to a funeral let alone seen a dead body so i was mentally preparing to see him on Friday On Thursday we were informed at 1pm that his funeral would actually take place at 3pm later that day. I started panicking because i was mentally preparing to see him the next day but now i was seeing him in a few hours. I hadnt eaten a lot of food that day but whatever was left in my stomach, i threw it up. It was so difficult to be at his service. I cried the entire time. I couldn’t understand why hed done this. He was here one second and gone the next. I kept visualizing him setting everything up for his death. My school councillor also told me he had planned this suicide for a long time. We’re talking weeks-months in advance. I know everyone always says dont blame yourself because it’s not your fault, but i still feel like it was. I look back to all the moments that i couldve reached out and didn’t. On Friday my friend(lets say her name is ‘Z’) Z was really mad at me because I completely forgot to inform her about the last minute change to the funeral date. I feel so fucking shitty that I didn’t tell her but it simply didn’t cross my mind. I was told super short notice that the days changed and i was trying to mentally prepare myself for the funeral. I was literally throwing up and not in the slightest but okay. I feel so bad that I didn’t tell her but it didn’t even cross my mind. So she’s really fucking pissed and will not talk to me. Also on Friday one of my friends who use to work him said my friend wrote a message on the plexi glass at his last day of work before he quit.. It said “hello Good. Bye” She sent a picture of it to our group chat and it broke me. I really enjoy gymnastics but ever since all this has happened I haven’t gone a whole lot. This same friday i went to practice but i left after 5min because it was all just too much to handle. My other friends who are grieving said exercise really helped them but it felt so wrong to be doing it for me. On saturday i skipped my practice again and just slept without eating all day. On sunday I decided to call my coach because she was not sure why i had been missing from training all week. I called her, told her everything and broke down. She was really understanding and told me I should go back to training because I need to take care of my physical health too, but I can take my time. It was once again monday and it marked officially 1week since my friend died. The atmosphere at school was all just so sad. It had been a week since he was gone and everyone was not okay. Ive never seen so many teachers and students so broken. I went up to Z in class because i dont want to lose a friend in a time like now and i think we all need to stick together. I said, “hey so i dont think you completely understand what happened on Thursday, can we talk” Z says, “i think I understand exactly what happened on Thursday. You were told the funeral moved and didn’t tell me” I said, “there’s so much more to it then just that. Nobody is okay right now that includes me-“ Z interrupts me and says, “im going to stop you right there okay. Of course everyone is not okay right now, but that doesn’t give you a fucking excuse to not invite me!” I say, “ i didn’t try to not invite you. It didn’t even cross my mind! I was fucking throwing up before and-“ Z interrupts again and says, “i dont want to hear your fucking bullshit!” Then i got up and left the class because i couldn’t handle her anymore. So i do gymnastics in a different city then my school so nobody in my club knew what I was going through. I explained it very briefly to some of my gymnastics friends, but they only know the bare minimum. My coach had also told me that I should spend time with people who are not grieving so I’m not sad all the time, but since mg gym friends don’t understand they kinda just brushed it off. I dont really feel comfortable telling them all the details because I dont want them to brush it off. I also dont wang to traumatize them since everything that has happened to me is a lot to process. They also just wanna keep talking about other things and move on but it’s not that easy for me. From Tuesday-Friday it was all about the same level of me living in depression. On Saturday I decided to go to gymnastics practice again. I only went for 45min but it was probably the longest minutes I’ve ever spent doing a sport i loved. Most the people at my club dont know what’s happened to me so they were just being their regular happy selves. But just being around so many obnoxiously happy people was so painful for me to see. Im not saying other people cant be happy around me or anything, but it was just very difficult to see. It could be because i spend most my time around my school friends and weve all just be sad together for the last 2 weeks but i dont know. Yesterday was Monday again and it officially marked 2 weeks since my friend died. I decided to go to gymnastics practice again and it was slightly better. It all just feels so wrong still. It feels wrong for me to try to be okay. It feels wrong to be doing something i use to love. It all feels wrong. Today is Tuesday and i still cant decide how im feeling. It’s all so confusing. Before all this happened id consider myself not a very emotional person, but ever since my friends death ive been so emotional. I dont know how to handle any of the feelings im having. It’s all just so much. I feel like im no longer living my own life, it’s like im watching someone else in a movie. Because my life isn’t as messy as the one im in right now. im probably missing some things that have happened but i can’t remember it all because it’s been a long few weeks. Im sorry everyone. I simply feel overwhelmed and need some advice on my life. Like how do i feel better? How do i feel better about school? Gymnastics? My friends who are not grieving? What do I do about Z? Everything is just so confusing and i need help. I appreciate you for reading all that if you actually did❤️❤️ Thank you so much! If anything in the story doesn’t make sense just let me know and ill fill in the blanks

My friend committed suicide

Trauma Support / by lavenderPal1002

January 26th, 2022

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