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lavenderlove857
1 75 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2022 Member sinceMay 9, 2022
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Diary (TW)
Trauma Support / by lavenderlove857
Last post
 June 15th, 2022
...See more I was r*ped two years ago. I still struggle with triggers. I’m happily married now and my trauma affects our relationship negatively a lot :/ I’ll think he’s hurt me when he hasn’t because I correlate certain things with someone trying to SA me. This is something I’m really struggling with right now. I 🍃 for the first time in a year (a big trigger of mine since I was dr*gged) because i was in severe pain. My husband didnt know how much I smoked. I told him I did three puffs and done but I did it all night. I woke him up by rubbing myself on his body (all of these boundaries have been previously talked about in length, almost daily, no consent was broken here, and I can’t make my PTSD brain realize that). He called my name and I just went “mmm” basically acknowledging it but not verbally responding. We teased. But I got triggered and we stopped. Idk. I smoked and i was SO out of it but he had NO idea at all. I was in the clouds. I felt like I was dreaming. I didn’t realize that what I was doing was real 😭 that’s what triggers me so bad. Never, ever again will I become i*toxicated in any way. i just hate that i can’t fully trust the man who made me feel comfortable and safe being intimate again. Logically, I know he’d never hurt me. I know he never has. He’s proven it to me. But I still struggling with doubts because of my PTSD. I hate it. It makes it so hard to live peacefully and enjoy my marriage.
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