Diary (TW)
I was r*ped two years ago. I still struggle with triggers. I’m happily married now and my trauma affects our relationship negatively a lot :/ I’ll think he’s hurt me when he hasn’t because I correlate certain things with someone trying to SA me.
This is something I’m really struggling with right now. I 🍃 for the first time in a year (a big trigger of mine since I was dr*gged) because i was in severe pain. My husband didnt know how much I smoked. I told him I did three puffs and done but I did it all night. I woke him up by rubbing myself on his body (all of these boundaries have been previously talked about in length, almost daily, no consent was broken here, and I can’t make my PTSD brain realize that). He called my name and I just went “mmm” basically acknowledging it but not verbally responding. We teased. But I got triggered and we stopped. Idk. I smoked and i was SO out of it but he had NO idea at all. I was in the clouds. I felt like I was dreaming. I didn’t realize that what I was doing was real 😭 that’s what triggers me so bad. Never, ever again will I become i*toxicated in any way.
i just hate that i can’t fully trust the man who made me feel comfortable and safe being intimate again. Logically, I know he’d never hurt me. I know he never has. He’s proven it to me. But I still struggling with doubts because of my PTSD. I hate it. It makes it so hard to live peacefully and enjoy my marriage.
Hey @lavenderlove857, *sits with you and offers hugs*
I'm sorry to hear it has been hard for you, honestly? Every bit makes sense for the struggles. Truly sorry for the pain you've experienced, no one ever should go through that, but darn, when is life fair :/
Just want to remind you, none of that was your fault. Your pain is valid, your struggles are valid, which makes your triggers valid also. I imagine how terrible it must be to live with the constant triggers, and how it's affecting your wellbeing and your relationship.
Completely understandable why you'd have trouble being really comfortable with him and trusting him fully, even though you know he wouldn't hurt you (which is ofcourse really awesome to know). Your frustration and hate is valid, the past is affecting your present and preventing you from being content and feeling safe within your relationship, and that'll really make anyone feel discouraged and low. :(
I'm really proud of you for being here, and reaching out, while healing isn't easy, it is certainly not impossible and we can definitely get there, taking it one day at a time. I'm sure even sharing it here was difficult for you but you did it and that's super commendable. ❤
You deserve to feel okay and comfortable being loved, cared for, touched and receiving all the affection by your partner. Till then, you are allowed to take your time to understand and better manage your triggers and heal and feel okay with, absolutely no rush. ❤
Sending lots of love and strength your way!
