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lightDog8656
1 105 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2018 Member sinceFebruary 23, 2018
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New and Scared S*itless!
Personality Disorders Support / by lightDog8656
Last post
 June 20th, 2018
...See more So I've dealt with mental health issues my whole life but just came to a head as BPD this week. It's not a total surprise to me but I'm still really confused about my diagnosis and how i fall into the spectrum. I internalize a lot - angry outbursts are far and few between but when I do have them, they can be very aggressive and manipulative. I have "meltdowns" a lot - usually on my own and I have a history of self-harm. I still have ideation but haven't done it since high school. I guess I'm "high functioning " in that I have a steady, good job and have been in a long term relationship - although that is most definitley unstable. Looking back, I've had symptoms of BPD since I was a teenager but grew up with a mother who is bipolar so life crises always revolved around her. I would cry myself to sleep in my room almost every night and if I did have a meltdown in front of people, was told I was overreacting and to shut up. I had very few friends from adolescence on. In "real life" (in public, at work, etc...)people see me as respectful, compassionate, and positive. I think the BPD really came to light when I moved in with my boyfriend. Thinking about it - it makes sense because he's the first person I lived with intimately outside of my family's toxic environment so he sees me in my other states and once it became obvious I was not in a state of good mental health, I started seeking help. It scares me- that I have this very serious mental disorder that is invisible to 99% if people I know. I started DBT pre-diagnosis for emotional disregulation and the actual severity of the disorder came out. I also see a psychiatrist. I want to get better and am getting to where I can recognize my toxic actions after they have already happened - but I feel if I try to tell other people I have this - they will think I'm ridiculous. My boyfriend knows I have a serious problem but I haven't told him my official diagnosis and I'm scared of that as well since a lot of the info out there paints a very bad picture. In my heart, I feel like a kind person who has a mental illness and wants to get help but I feel like this mask will prevent me from getting people to take me seriously. On the other hand, I'm already seeking professional help and so maybe there's no need to tell anyone else. I guess I just want someone (outside of my boyfriend) for support and since I rarely act out outside of home, think I'll be laughed at, told I'm being dramatic or that I don't fit the mold at all. Invalidation is a reason I'm here in the first place, so I'm petrified to put myself in situation where I'll face more invalidation that might make it worse. I'm not even sure what I'm asking, tbh .I guess I'm just really overwhelmed and scared of failing treatment and need to vent. Sorry for the scattered post.
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