New and Scared S*itless!
So I've dealt with mental health issues my whole life but just came to a head as BPD this week. It's not a total surprise to me but I'm still really confused about my diagnosis and how i fall into the spectrum. I internalize a lot - angry outbursts are far and few between but when I do have them, they can be very aggressive and manipulative. I have "meltdowns" a lot - usually on my own and I have a history of self-harm. I still have ideation but haven't done it since high school. I guess I'm "high functioning " in that I have a steady, good job and have been in a long term relationship - although that is most definitley unstable. Looking back, I've had symptoms of BPD since I was a teenager but grew up with a mother who is bipolar so life crises always revolved around her. I would cry myself to sleep in my room almost every night and if I did have a meltdown in front of people, was told I was overreacting and to shut up. I had very few friends from adolescence on. In "real life" (in public, at work, etc...)people see me as respectful, compassionate, and positive. I think the BPD really came to light when I moved in with my boyfriend. Thinking about it - it makes sense because he's the first person I lived with intimately outside of my family's toxic environment so he sees me in my other states and once it became obvious I was not in a state of good mental health, I started seeking help. It scares me- that I have this very serious mental disorder that is invisible to 99% if people I know. I started DBT pre-diagnosis for emotional disregulation and the actual severity of the disorder came out. I also see a psychiatrist. I want to get better and am getting to where I can recognize my toxic actions after they have already happened - but I feel if I try to tell other people I have this - they will think I'm ridiculous. My boyfriend knows I have a serious problem but I haven't told him my official diagnosis and I'm scared of that as well since a lot of the info out there paints a very bad picture. In my heart, I feel like a kind person who has a mental illness and wants to get help but I feel like this mask will prevent me from getting people to take me seriously. On the other hand, I'm already seeking professional help and so maybe there's no need to tell anyone else. I guess I just want someone (outside of my boyfriend) for support and since I rarely act out outside of home, think I'll be laughed at, told I'm being dramatic or that I don't fit the mold at all. Invalidation is a reason I'm here in the first place, so I'm petrified to put myself in situation where I'll face more invalidation that might make it worse. I'm not even sure what I'm asking, tbh .I guess I'm just really overwhelmed and scared of failing treatment and need to vent. Sorry for the scattered post.
@lightDog8656
Most of my posts are scattered too! I read your forum and I empathize with you. It's hard to accept a diagnosis that has negative stigma. I have no real advice. I wanted to let you know that you were heard. I'm sure just writing that was a release of some sort. You said your thoughts out loud in a place where no one can really judge, as we are all hurting in some way. For me, this site let's me get it out, and nobody knows who the hell I am!!! I don't have to hold back on things for fear of upsetting a person in my life.
Looks like your on the right path, which you led to in your post. You said you are getting professional health. You posted on here. You said you want to get better! I envy your motivation to in fact get better. You haven't let your illness swallow you! Keep going! You got this!!
Most of all, I heard you!!
@EnergySensitive Thanks so much for your response. That's all I want sometimes - is to be told I'm heard :)
@lightDog8656
Me too! Just hear me!!!
Hi, I clicked on this thread because my "Path" said join a sub community, when I saw borderline personality my first thought was I wonder what that is... then I read your post and the replies. I became very scared. I related to so many things and also feel like I need to be hear. I think this mental health issue is so complex that I will never understand it.
@lightDog8656
Hello! In the early stages of learning about your BPD it can definitely be scary and overwhelming, especially if for so long you thought it was something else. I can definitely relate to the severity of violent outbursts, when BPD takes over it can be really hard to come back down from. I understand the fear to talk to your boyfriend about your diagnosis. BPD is still so stigmatized and I too find trouble discussing it with others. It's very understandable your fear in terms of "invisible illness" is concerned. So many people have never even heard of BPD much less dealt with someone with it on a day to day basis. I am glad to hear you have help. You deserve to have help on this journey and not go through it alone. We in this subcommunity are a family and will never invalidate you. I'm around every day if you ever wanted to chat with somebody
@lightDog8656
It's been a while since this was posted, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU. And that I hope you're doing well. It's like you took the words out of my mouth for the first part of your post. I am planning a trip to the doctors soon as I haven't been diagnosed before (which makes me feel like a complete imposter even reading these threads!) and most of the people that know aren't being very supportive, blaming my 'issues' on any and everything else! Which makes me feel like they think I'm faking it, so THANK YOU AGAIN - this post really helped me see.
I hope you're doing well & I wish you all the best!
