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littlebirdee
416 M Embraced 3
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceMay 12, 2015
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Tough day ahead for me, constant worry/sadness
Depression Support / by littlebirdee
Last post
 May 17th, 2015
...See more Hi all, I've posted my own board in the depression forum as well but feel like I need help getting through each day. I have extreme existential dread and depression as a result of overthinking my own mortality, death of loved ones, meaninglessness of life, etc. The worst part is I draw cute happy cartoons for a living and every morning I wake up and think "oh shit, another day of my life just passed me by! only a matter of time before it's my last day!" and feel sick to my stomach, it has been really bad this morning. Trying to focus on drawing cartoons just feels impossible. I've been taking vitamin D3 and magnesium in the hopes it will alleviate some of the dreadful feeling but my mind is still haywire thinkng ahead to old age and death. Can anyone help me make it through today without this dread and fear? :(
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depression from existential dread...
Depression Support / by littlebirdee
Last post
 February 4th, 2016
...See more hi everyone. for the past week or so I have been unable to think about anything without bursting into tears, shaking, feeling cold sweats etc. I love my life and want time to freeze but i've started looking wayyyyy ahead into the future (assuming I live to be old) and visualizing myself as a frail old woman and all these happy moments are just long gone memories, then I die and... it was all for nothing. I am not religious and find no solace in the thought of an afterlife. It's gotten to the point where I feel like being alive is a curse because you are given this beautiful gift of life to see and do all these things, but it's going to be taken from you eventually. Eventually everyone I know and love will be dead, too. It hurts me so, so deeply because they are all alive right now and I wonder for how much longer? I become a big sappy mess with my boyfriend and hold him close every night and tell him how much I love him and never want to get old and just live here in our beautiful place with our beautiful cat and go to our favorite places together forever. This morning he hugged me and said "if you want I'll call in sick and we can go to (our favorite restaurant)" and I just lost it and starting sobbing because I wondered how long it would be before the restaurant would be closed or we wouldn't have interest in going anymore or were too old to care. It's almost like every moment I live I'm hitting "fast forward". I was even watching my favorite show with him last night and had a panic attack, felt like I couldn't breathe, just watching all the people on the show and thinking of them all as people slowly marching to their own graves to be forgotten and have all their experiences erased. I fear nothing can give me comfort because religious explanations don't do it, and knowing I will just become nothing strips all meaning away from me. I do not comprehend how people who think about nothingness say it adds meaning to their life. Why? Why bother doing anything? whether you're a mass murderer or caring for the sick and poor you all get the same fate. None of it matters.  I have tried meditation, deep breathing exercises, going for walks in the sunshine, spending time with my boyfriend and cat, none of it gives me more than a temporary distraction. I am terrified that my sad state is "reality" and everything else is just a distraction from the inevitable.    
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