depression from existential dread...
hi everyone.
for the past week or so I have been unable to think about anything without bursting into tears, shaking, feeling cold sweats etc. I love my life and want time to freeze but i've started looking wayyyyy ahead into the future (assuming I live to be old) and visualizing myself as a frail old woman and all these happy moments are just long gone memories, then I die and... it was all for nothing.
I am not religious and find no solace in the thought of an afterlife. It's gotten to the point where I feel like being alive is a curse because you are given this beautiful gift of life to see and do all these things, but it's going to be taken from you eventually. Eventually everyone I know and love will be dead, too. It hurts me so, so deeply because they are all alive right now and I wonder for how much longer?
I become a big sappy mess with my boyfriend and hold him close every night and tell him how much I love him and never want to get old and just live here in our beautiful place with our beautiful cat and go to our favorite places together forever. This morning he hugged me and said "if you want I'll call in sick and we can go to (our favorite restaurant)" and I just lost it and starting sobbing because I wondered how long it would be before the restaurant would be closed or we wouldn't have interest in going anymore or were too old to care. It's almost like every moment I live I'm hitting "fast forward".
I was even watching my favorite show with him last night and had a panic attack, felt like I couldn't breathe, just watching all the people on the show and thinking of them all as people slowly marching to their own graves to be forgotten and have all their experiences erased. I fear nothing can give me comfort because religious explanations don't do it, and knowing I will just become nothing strips all meaning away from me. I do not comprehend how people who think about nothingness say it adds meaning to their life. Why? Why bother doing anything? whether you're a mass murderer or caring for the sick and poor you all get the same fate. None of it matters.
I have tried meditation, deep breathing exercises, going for walks in the sunshine, spending time with my boyfriend and cat, none of it gives me more than a temporary distraction. I am terrified that my sad state is "reality" and everything else is just a distraction from the inevitable.
I know excatly how you feel I use to think the same way. Its hard not to think about things coming to an end but the best way is to live in the present and not think so far ahead of what will happen to people in the long run. I stop thinking that way because I didn't want that way of thinking take away my happiness and make me feel down every time. Its good to let go of that negative thought and try to think of the moments you are living now. What helps is keeping your mind busy. Is there anything you love to do? Any hobbies? anything? Like for example I watch vlogs on YouTube or skits and it take my mind away from the world for at least an hour. I like to watch funny vlogs/skits because I felt laughing makes the person feel better. If this wasn't the answer you was looking for just want to let you know I'm new to this app but I just love helping out people because others have done the same to me.
thanks for your reply. I have been trying to distract myself with my favorite games and shows but everything seems to lead to the same train of thought - like I will watch a movie and think "oh my god this movie is 20 years old now" or "this game came out 5 years ago and it was just yesterday" etc. It's really ahrd for me to snap out of dreading the passage of tme and knowing all this stuff is just temporary. I feel it is stripping me of all my joy and that fewer things will work as distractions :(
Once you feel you are drifting into thinking that try to snap out of it quick. Umm maybe thinking of happy moments can help.
I will try - it is much easier said than done. I can feel all the dread in the pit of my stomach and most distractions don't work. I am just going through the motions. But i will make an effort to try and think of something - anything else.
I understand completly how you feel, that's about me right now. I'm struggling through my final years of high school because I can't find any modivation in my what's the point demenor to do anything and people telling me to "think positive" and "don't dwell on those kind of thoughts" aren't very helpful because the thoughts you don't really control. Everything triggers these thoughts.
I find myself telling myself over and over again, that's it's all right to have a meaningless existance, it means you can do anything. But that doesn't help. So I try different types of sayings like "your here, might as well see where it goes" or "your existising sooooo" among many others but it doesn't help. I know this comment won't exactly help but your not alone in these thoughts. I know no chant or possitive thinking will help but if u need to rant to someone just send me a message.
