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lostSailboat7593
1 75 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2021 Member sinceAugust 30, 2021
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Major life changes during COVID times
Depression Support / by lostSailboat7593
Last post
 September 6th, 2021
...See more I just joined here at 7 cups because I'm very lonely and feel incredibly hopeless. I've also got a history of depression and anxiety dating back to childhood. I guess it qualifies as treatment resistant considering the number of medication combinations tried and therapists I've seen over the years. This past 1-1.5yrs has involved so many changes in my life that probably should have been celebrated and enjoyed, but they were overshadowed and seemingly ruined by the pandemic. I finished my PhD, got a job, packed up and moved in with my now fiance to a completely different region in the U.S. Except now, I'm a year in this situation, and things are getting pretty rough. I absolutely cannot stand my job. I'm essentially a glorified paper pusher. I feel like I'm getting dumber with every meeting I sit through. I struggled through six years of PhD study along with outside volunteering and relevant work with the hope that I'd have a decent job with liveable pay. 50 job apps to positions where I'm qualified (ie requiring an MS or PhD in my field), and I made it to final interview rounds for 3 positions, only to get ghosted, an automated rejection, or some wishy-washy response. I really just can't manage this anymore. I'm also out in a new region far from my family and any of the few friends I had back home. I have no work friends, considering I'm 100% WFM and no one I work with is my age or life stage. I have awful social anxiety and am just not good at making friends. I have my fiance, who has a ton of friends of his own, and that's it. I go with him to social gatherings and am friendly with those friends and their SOs, but they aren't my friends. They aren't people I can talk to about anything remotely serious or would ask to go do something. Nothing that I'm doing is feeling any bit of fulfilling. I picked karate back up after a 10 year hiatus and attend class 2x/week. I tried picking up a crafting hobby. I've started the ball rolling on volunteering as a mentor to high schoolers. But nothing feels worthwhile. And none of this changes the fact that I'm stuck doing a job I hate for 8hr/day. For once, I know exactly what the cause is of how I feel. I'm reluctant to seek out professional therapy, again, when I know the innate depression is pretty well controlled; I just have a trigger with my job that I simply can't get out of right now. I don't want to have to dig out old wounds for the umpteenth time with a new therapist. I can't handle throwing that on top of everything else right now. After proofreading this, it look mostly like a rant or pity party. I guess if anyone else has any similar parallels, it would be nice to know it's not just me. Or any advice. That helps too.
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