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loyalMap8095
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2020 Member sinceMay 29, 2019
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is this my fault? (need this off my chest)
Trauma Support / by loyalMap8095
Last post
 June 25th, 2019
...See more Hi im 18 and last weekend i was at a club and this mildly attractive guy and i started talking, he was buying me a lot of shots and i remember in the middle of us talking he even said i dont want to get you too drunk this made me trust him more and share even more shots with him. the night went on and i ended up getting so drunk i lost my bag, and after that i only remember like flashes of what happened but from what i can remember i was in his hotel room doing stuff not intercourse but i was pleasing him ew. anyway i get another memory of me in his friends separate room. part of the memory is me asking if he had a condom... and another part is intercourse. which is so weird that i only remember like literally 2 seconds of it because it was my first time... then i remember getting put in an uber and then i woke up at home. it took me a minute or 2 to recollect my thoughts i was so confused on what i did after the club. i called my friend who was with me at the club she says the last thing she remembers is me ditching her and being all in love with the guy who was buying me shots. i started remembering certain moments of what i had done, and immediately felt ashamed. i cant believe i was with 2 guys and that i remember 2 seconds of me losing my virginity. and if i was all in love with one guy and asked the other for a condom i think those guys believe i consented. but now i still get anxiety and feel stress thinking about it. i used to be really cool and chill with the idea of sex but now it reminds me of those guys and it makes me so uncomfortable. i think it was my fault and i think drunk me did consent. it feels so wrong in my spirit though. i wish i couldve just forgot about the whole night instead of remembering those parts. i know theres little to nothing to say but i honestly just needed to get this off my chest. i only told my friend who was there but i felt stupid to say how bad i felt about it , thank you for reading.
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