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mendingbrokenroads
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts0 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceSeptember 25, 2014
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Recovering or just making it through?
Eating Disorder Support / by mendingbrokenroads
Last post
 September 30th, 2014
...See more I've been struggling with anorexia for a few years now. I'm trying to recover and have been able to maintain a healthy weight for awhile now. I get my daily calorie intake by having several (like 6-8) smaller meals a day. Too much food at once gives me severe anxiety. Before the development of my eating disorder, I was a runner. Running has always been one of my passions and has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. Apparently, running contributed to my development of an eating disorder. (it makes sense.. eat less + run more = more weight loss). I never really liked the way that I looked; I was always super insecure and my self esteem is nonexistent. I completely hate myself more than anything.  I started running again two weeks ago. (probably not the smartest idea, but it felt amazing. I felt alive, empowered. I felt like I could achieve anything. I was genuinely happy; something that I longed for, for so so long). After my run, I ate and had a protein shake. The next day, I went running and ate. The combination of running and eating didn't bother me until the other day. I ignored it (maybe not the best idea?) and continued running and it felt amazing, like always. But my thoughts were different. My eating disorder started taking over my thoughts again. I started restricting again and have been running more than I should be.  I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. I'm at a healthy weight, so I don't really have to worry about anything. But, I also know that restricting isn't the healthiest or most wise decision to make. I'm starting to think that recovery isn't for me (I'm aware that I need to change my thinking, but that's truly how I feel). I don't really see a point in anything anymore. I have so much going on and so many built up emotions, I just can't do it anymore. 
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