Recovering or just making it through?

I've been struggling with anorexia for a few years now. I'm trying to recover and have been able to maintain a healthy weight for awhile now. I get my daily calorie intake by having several (like 6-8) smaller meals a day. Too much food at once gives me severe anxiety. Before the development of my eating disorder, I was a runner. Running has always been one of my passions and has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. Apparently, running contributed to my development of an eating disorder. (it makes sense.. eat less + run more = more weight loss). I never really liked the way that I looked; I was alwayssuperinsecure and my self esteem is nonexistent. I completely hate myself more than anything.

I started running again two weeks ago. (probably not the smartest idea, but it feltamazing.I felt alive, empowered. I felt like I could achieve anything. I wasgenuinelyhappy; something that I longed for, for so so long). After my run, I ate and had a protein shake. The next day, I went running and ate. The combination of running and eating didn't bother me until the other day.I ignored it (maybe not the best idea?) and continuedrunning and it felt amazing, like always. But my thoughts were different. My eating disorder started taking over my thoughts again. I started restricting again and have been running more than I should be.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. I'm at a healthy weight, so I don't really have to worry about anything. But, I also know that restricting isn't the healthiest or most wise decision to make. I'm starting to think that recovery isn't for me (I'm aware that I need to change my thinking, but that's truly how I feel). I don't really see a point in anything anymore. I have so much going on and so many built up emotions, I just can't do it anymore.