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mimsmere3
175 M Embraced 1
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2019 Member sinceMarch 11, 2019
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The key's in the ignition, but it won't turn over.
Anxiety Support / by mimsmere3
Last post
 February 13th, 2020
...See more If the sun rises a minute late, If the stars are unaligned, If the engine won't turn over, I WON'T EVEN NOTICE. That is a time period when I am so overwhelmed that I don't even realize it. That is what it's like 99% of the time when I try to write a paper. That's why my freshman year of college I sent an email to my art history professor at 2 AM to explain why I was ashamed to go to class for two weeks after I was supposed to turn in a paper on Leonardo DaVinci. I barely wrote the introduction. I'm not stupid and I'm not even a bad writer. In fifth grade, the state required the grade to take part in a writing assessment scaled 1 to 6. I scored a 6 and a free lunch at the local Mexican restaurant. In eighth grade, we tested again in this assessment; unfortunately, I moved before I could see the results and the new school did not receive them. Later on, my English subscore on the ACT was 35. For a semester, I even produced papers of such quality that my English professor recommended I enter a writing competition, where I won $150 and attended a fancy awards banquet. I know that I can write. I know how to recognize slanted language and biases. I frequently analyze things in my surroundings, including texts, videos, audio, and graphics. I notice things and critique well in my major, graphic design. I know the questions to ask and what is or isn't appropriate. The problem is not my ability; it's tapping into it. I felt all week like I could write a paper on Hildegard of Bingen no problem for my current art history class. I've been reading about her for a couple of weeks and I've memorized most of Hildegard's early history. I'm roughly two paragraphs shy of completing the paper-- the same quota I held at one o'clock today when the paper was due. For some reason, any task of writing brings forth an insurmountable writer's block. I know how to write. I've done it before. I even enjoy it on nights when the mood is right and the thoughts flow free. But 99% of the time, if there are any thoughts at all they do not flow freely. They hide under a layer of cotton batting; I can see glimpses of what's below, but not enough to understand. Writer's block is the most crippling aspect of anxiety in the fifty-point turn we call post-secondary education. It hinders not only papers but progress. It consumes time that could be better spent addressing another obligation and fills me with guilt when I dare to engage in leisure. It forces me to experiment with mood and brain function supplements in search of that perfect combination that will start the engine when I turn the key.
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