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minbuckeye
1 889 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 30 Compassion hearts162 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2025 Member sinceDecember 24, 2024
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Learned a Lesson
Relationship Stress / by minbuckeye
Last post
 March 1st, 2025
...See more Yesterday, I asked someone for forgiveness and a chance to repair the relationship after I had hurt them.  I considered them a close friend.  I had stood by and supported them (including financially) through a very difficult time.  But, in the course of my struggle to make a difficult decision, I had hurt them.  Up to this point, we had never had a significant conflict.  They refused and said, while they still loved me, they did not see a way to rebuild. I also hurt another friend in the same struggle.  I have also stood by and supported this friend through difficult times and considered them a close friend.  I asked them for forgiveness as well.  They said that, while I had hurt them, they loved me no matter what and we would forgive and move on together and that our friendship would always be there. In that other friend, I saw a picture of what real love is and what love to look for in potential relationships.  I will miss the first friend and, if they come to me, I will offer support and love because of the example of my other friend.  That kind of unconditional love is what I will always strive to offer.
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Second Guessing
Relationship Stress / by minbuckeye
Last post
 February 23rd, 2025
...See more Last Saturday, I was determined to tell my wife that I wanted to separate. I won't go into too many details. We have been married 28 years, have 2 adult children, and both work full time. Things have been difficult for a very long time. I had come to a point a couple of times before wanting to separate but didn't because I didn't want to harm my children and disappoint my family. I had a very strict religious upbringing and have been warring against myself with that as well. The conversation with my wife got very emotional. 28 years is a long time, regardless. In the end, I agreed to couples therapy. Since then, I've been struggling. I feel like I made that choice because it's what's expected of me. I've been sad and angry with myself for not standing firm on leaving. I chose what was expected of me. I chose not disappointing my family. I chose not angering my daughters. I chose what my upbringing said I should. I chose what other people say I should want, not what I wanted. A friend of mine said it. The choice had to be for me, not my wife or others. When it came down to it, the choice I made wasn't for me. It was for others. People that are important to me, yes, but not me. And I regret that choice. I regret that I did what I've always done - what's expected of me - not because I wanted it, but to please others. I said it today in my therapy session. I don't really believe she will change. She's shown no real evidence of that during our marriage. I've bent. I've tried. She said she needed something from me, I gave it to her. I said I needed something from her, she told why she can't or won't and then she didn't. Why did I think this time would be different? Because she cried? Because things got emotional? When do I choose what I want instead of what's expected of me! I'm tired of being sad, miserable, upset and fearful. I want to be happy. I want to have joy,. I'm sick of crying and feeling stupid. I'm tired of hiding what I'm doing. These feelings are borne out of frustration with myself for always choosing what's expected of me, or if I don't choose what's expected of me, hiding that choice out of fear of what others will think. Frustration that I am not making choices for me, but for others. I don't want this. I don't want to waste time. I don't want to decide something based on other's expectations. I want to live the life I want, how I want and the way I want.
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She's Gone Maybe Forever
Relationship Stress / by minbuckeye
Last post
 February 13th, 2025
...See more Was broken yesterday and spent a lot of time in tears. Wrote this in my journal about my marriage: Why is it up to me alone? If you want to reconcile, why are you not making moves? Just because I had an affair, did you not have any responsibility? Am I not worth the effort? After almost 28 years, do you still not know what will capture my heart? Or have you forgotten? Or are those things so little to you that they're not important? I spent so much time over the years trying to find the woman that I fell in love with. The woman who had a passion for me. Who told me she missed me when we were apart. Who didn't want me to leave her bed when we were together. We had fun, we clung to each other. We held hands. We held each other. Why would that go away because we said "I do?" Why is that such a small thing to you now? Why is it not important to you that it us important to me? When I'm crying and struggling and darkness is all around, all you can do is stand there? Analyze me instead of comforting and holding me? Where is she?!?! What happened to her?!?! She was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She wanted me. She had a passion for me. She was the independent woman I wanted who also desired me. She disappeared. Those things became an obligation instead of a joy. She wanted to be comfortable and didn't care to find a way to be comfortable together. I have missed her for so long. I don't know if I even remember what she felt like anymore. I think she's gone forever anyway. And there has been a hole in me ever since.
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Possibly Raising an Infant
50 & Over Community / by minbuckeye
Last post
 January 2nd, 2025
...See more About 8 months ago, I started a casual relationship with a woman, we'll call he lr AB. She is 30, i am 50. She reached out to me on a dating app, said she liked older men, was expecting a child in a few months, was not looking for a father for her child, was not interested in traditional dating simply wanted someone to spend time with, have regular sex, and have a little bit of care and connection. We met for lunch and started getting to know each other. We found we enjoyed each other's company and were similar personalities. It was easy and we saw each other regularly. She had her daughter in late August. She was in the NICU for a time and I went with AB to the hospital to meet the baby, we'll call her E. I knew going in that the baby would change things, but I also knew that I love babies and am very good with them. I found that I was able to help her with the adjustment and with learning how to deal with an Infant. AB trusts me with E and I have even come and taken her for a day when the nanny canceled. Over the last 8 months of our relationship, our connection has deepened and we have both realized we love each other. I'm at a point where I am considering a future with her. We've discussed moving in together. Before I give a lot of consideration to that, I am reaching out here for advice from people in my stage of life. My two daughters are grown. The youngest is about to finish college. I am reaching that stage of life where I am a parent of adult children who are free to make their own decisions and life choices. They are in the road to independence. I know you never really stop being a parent, but the change means my responsibilities relative to them are different. Now, I have this situation that I did not anticipate. I believe I love AB and E. But, am I ready to start down that road again from the beginning. I will be in my 70s before I reach this point again. We wouldn't have any other kids because I had myself fixed 20 years ago, but I have 20 or so years ahead of me to live life. To do things I've put on hold for years to raise my kids. And is it best for AB and E to potentially have to deal with what health issues I may have as I grow older? Do I have the energy to be.a full time parent to a toddler or young child? If I commit to this, I would love and raise E as though she were my own. The biological father is not in the picture. Wants nothing to do.with her. Am I being selfish for having these thoughts? I am processing so much and I would appreciate some counsel.
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Seeing My GF for the First Time Since our First Fight
Relationship Stress / by minbuckeye
Last post
 December 26th, 2024
...See more We had a fight on Monday. I unintentionally made a thoughtless remark and she was furious. I immediately apologized, but we had to part without things being settled. We were apart for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We texted some and she said we are fine, but I can't help not being nervous. We've been together 7 months and only had a couple of minor disagreements. This time, she flipped out. It's been ruminating in my head the whole time. Every scenario I could think of. She says we're OK, but OK doesn't necessarily mean good. She hasn't expressed forgiveness. I'm uncertain and nervous. I haven't slept much since. I don't know that I need anything from this group. I just needed to get this out to people who I know would understand. Thanks
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