She's Gone Maybe Forever
Was broken yesterday and spent a lot of time in tears. Wrote this in my journal about my marriage:
Why is it up to me alone? If you want to reconcile, why are you not making moves? Just because I had an affair, did you not have any responsibility? Am I not worth the effort? After almost 28 years, do you still not know what will capture my heart? Or have you forgotten? Or are those things so little to you that they're not important?
I spent so much time over the years trying to find the woman that I fell in love with. The woman who had a passion for me. Who told me she missed me when we were apart. Who didn't want me to leave her bed when we were together. We had fun, we clung to each other. We held hands. We held each other. Why would that go away because we said "I do?" Why is that such a small thing to you now? Why is it not important to you that it us important to me? When I'm crying and struggling and darkness is all around, all you can do is stand there? Analyze me instead of comforting and holding me?
Where is she?!?! What happened to her?!?! She was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. She wanted me. She had a passion for me. She was the independent woman I wanted who also desired me.
She disappeared. Those things became an obligation instead of a joy. She wanted to be comfortable and didn't care to find a way to be comfortable together. I have missed her for so long. I don't know if I even remember what she felt like anymore. I think she's gone forever anyway. And there has been a hole in me ever since.
@minbuckeye
Hey min - sorry you're having to deal with all of this. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and grieving what your relationship used to be. It's normal to be feeling sad in this situation. I think it's great that you've been writing in your journal - I find it helpful to write down my thoughts to process difficult emotions. Thank you for sharing your words - I hope you're able to find some clarity with time. 💓
@minbuckeye
This was well wrote more then a few of us in similar shoes.
where did that person go... when someone even thinks of crossing the line to cheat their partner left long before. They forgot to show they still care .. they walk around us like furniture in the room.
when they decide we should work on things they think they have nothing to work on .. they kid themselves that things were fine before ...no one wants to really go back to what happened before it all fell apart
So, I've made the decision to at least separate. I will be talking to her tonight.
