modestTown8811 Member Profile

...See more My father is verbally abusive. All my life, I tried to please him—even if that meant not being honest with myself. A few months ago, I realized it’s wrong to sacrifice your own identity just to make someone happy, especially when that person acts like a child… So I started trying to be honest, and that made him very angry. He’s always been angry. He constantly blames and criticizes my mom, me, and my sisters—even for things he did wrong, or for things that aren’t anyone’s fault at all. The tension I feel inside stays with me all day. And just recently, because I asked him if I could go to a small church gathering, he told me I’m a disappointment, that I’m rebellious. I go to bed and wake up, and as soon as I wake up, I feel that tension again—it stays with me until I fall asleep. If I even sleep. There was one night I was so tense I didn’t sleep at all. The next day, I didn’t feel sleepy, I forgot to eat, didn’t even feel hunger. I only felt this huge pain inside when I was laughing.. This morning I randomly woke up at 5 a.m., and I was sad I had woken up. I had been dreaming something weird, something that made no sense—but in that strange dream-world, I felt like I escaped. When I woke up and the thoughts came flooding back, I realized I was sad to have left that fake world behind and returned to this one. Once, I had a panic attack. I was shaking—and instead of helping me, he came in and started yelling about how awful my mom is. (By the way, my mom is incredible.)

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