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monkeymatt
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceAugust 6, 2023
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I let others negatively influence my eating habits
Eating Disorder Support / by monkeymatt
Last post
 August 27th, 2023
...See more Hey y’all, this is my first post here. In a few days I’ll be moving out of state to start college. This is somewhat worrying to me as I’ll be far away from my friends—my support group. These past few months I’ve gained some weight, but I’ve also felt the most comfortable in my body I’ve ever been during this time. I saw my body as “normal” and “healthy” and I felt good about that. However, just a few weeks ago my mom sat me down and told me she’s noticed that I’ve gained weight and encouraged me to get a gym membership and to cut down on late-night snacks. She also offered to make me a detoxing juice. As tough as it was to have that conversation, this is her way of supporting me. About a year ago I told my parents about the struggles I had been dealing with regarding weight and the appearance of my body since my childhood. I’m most uncomfortable with my body when I’m around them and still “cover-up” when I talk to them (wearing baggy clothes, wrapping myself in a blanket, hugging a pillow, etc.). This conversation was the first time my mom had brought up the subject since then so it felt somewhat triggering, but I knew that this was her trying to make an effort to help so I swallowed my tongue. I didn’t expect to fall back into old habits so easily. These past few weeks I haven’t seen my parents much. I recently stopped working so I can pack, so I’m home during the day while they’re at work and I usually leave the house in the evening to spend time with my friends before I move. Dinner used to be the one time of the day that I would see my parents’ faces so now I hardly see them at all. This also meant that Dinner was a meal I couldn’t skip as my parents would notice if I’m not eating along with them. To be frank, I started skipping a lot of meals. I began timing myself to see how long I could “fast”. Whenever I would break these long “fasts” I would also feel really guilty about doing so. An hour ago my mom applauded me. She said that I “blew up like a balloon but then shrunk back down in such a short period of time” and encouraged me to keep up whatever I’ve been doing. This struck me a little hard, but I know she wasn’t trying to offend me by comparing me to a balloon (she’s from another country and saying things like that are a lot more common and socially acceptable than in the US). I’m not sure what went wrong. I went from feeling the most accepting of my body I’ve ever felt to skipping meals left and right in matter of weeks. I’m fearful that I care what others think of my body (particularly my parents) more than I thought I’d learned not to, and that I won’t be able to return to and sustain healthy eating habits without the support of my friends. It’s hard to not tell myself that skipping meals will be justifiable as a broke college student because it’ll save me money. Thank y’all for listening, it feels good to share. I apologize for the long read. I hope y’all have a good week. Sending positive vibes :)
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