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monopacer
487 M Embraced 4
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts22 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2022 Member sinceJuly 19, 2019
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I waited too long to end my relationship
35 & Over Community / by monopacer
Last post
 April 19th, 2022
...See more Hello community. I'm ashamed to explain this, but here I go. I'm 39, and have been with my partner for almost 10 years. She is 38. Three years ago I proposed, even though I was not ready, but I felt pressured to do so. We are not yet married. Since then about 2 years ago she wanted to get pregnant. I have always expressed my uncertainty about this, but I was never able to say no. We started trying, but I felt like I was forcing myself to try and it caused me much depression and self hatred. Then we found out she has a fertility issue and if she wanted to get pregnant then we need to try IVF, which requires a lot of shots and drugs for her to take. Even though I was terrified and still unsure, we went forward with this. Now we are literally down to the last few days of the process, and we will be going to the doctor's next week to do the egg extraction and insemination process. I feel horrible. I'm at a loss with myself. Constantly feeling like I don't want this, but never having the heart to tell her. Yet I will also feel like I can't leave and I don't want to lose this life. We are so late in the process and I think it would destroy her if I end it. I'm afraid of how I will be if we do have a child. I'm so down and upset with myself, I can't function very well with my work and personal life these days. My therapist suggests that I need to leave for my own mental health, but I haven't been able to get the courage to do that. As well, I am feeling resentment towards her because even after years of me telling her I'm depressed and don't feel ready for a baby, she has allowed us to move forward. Any time I try to bring up the topic of my feelings and concerns, she gets angry that I'm not supporting her. I'm afraid she doesn't really care about me and only sees this as a way to get what she wants. Although I give her the benefit of the doubt and try to realize she does love me. I don't know what to do. Thank you.
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