I waited too long to end my relationship
Hello community.
I'm ashamed to explain this, but here I go. I'm 39, and have been with my partner for almost 10 years. She is 38. Three years ago I proposed, even though I was not ready, but I felt pressured to do so. We are not yet married. Since then about 2 years ago she wanted to get pregnant. I have always expressed my uncertainty about this, but I was never able to say no. We started trying, but I felt like I was forcing myself to try and it caused me much depression and self hatred. Then we found out she has a fertility issue and if she wanted to get pregnant then we need to try IVF, which requires a lot of shots and drugs for her to take. Even though I was terrified and still unsure, we went forward with this. Now we are literally down to the last few days of the process, and we will be going to the doctor's next week to do the egg extraction and insemination process.
I feel horrible. I'm at a loss with myself. Constantly feeling like I don't want this, but never having the heart to tell her. Yet I will also feel like I can't leave and I don't want to lose this life. We are so late in the process and I think it would destroy her if I end it. I'm afraid of how I will be if we do have a child. I'm so down and upset with myself, I can't function very well with my work and personal life these days.
My therapist suggests that I need to leave for my own mental health, but I haven't been able to get the courage to do that. As well, I am feeling resentment towards her because even after years of me telling her I'm depressed and don't feel ready for a baby, she has allowed us to move forward. Any time I try to bring up the topic of my feelings and concerns, she gets angry that I'm not supporting her. I'm afraid she doesn't really care about me and only sees this as a way to get what she wants. Although I give her the benefit of the doubt and try to realize she does love me.
I don't know what to do. Thank you.
Sir, I may not be the right person to judge or give any proper solutions. But I do hope that you should love yourself more, don't be too harsh on your desires and wellness. If you don't want to have a baby, then you need to properly communicate and debate with your wife. And you need to work hard to convince her to be with you without wanting a child. Just like you she also has some wants, that's why you both need to properly communicate and find a compromise to the wellness of both yourself.
And for the depression part, I would suggest you to take a tour all by yourself for few days. It can be a foreign tour or whatever place you wish to visit. Visit some new culture and learn, meet with new people. It will definitely help you for sure.
@monopacer
I am sorry you are in this situation. I am glad you have a therapist to process things with.
Sometimes a woman desires to have a child so greatly that she will go to any extreme to ensure that it happens. Some people call this a biological clock. For her, the clock is ringing loudly.
But it sounds like you are not ready, and are feeling pressured and backed into a corner, and it's taking a toll on you.
You seem to be aware that your partner seems to be invalidating your concerns and feelings. Do those not count for anything? If she becomes angry when you try to share your true authentic self, then this is not loving. She may love you, yes, but it is not loving behavior; rather, it's manipulation. Your free will and choice in this matter seem to not matter to her, and I am sorry this is happening to you. Are there other supportive people in your life who can help you or guide you, such as a spiritual advisor, an elder, a parent or some other person?
@InquireWithin Thank you, I really needed to hear that and feel like my needs and feelings mean something. I have a very hard to accepting it, and keep feeling as though I am in the wrong and my needs are not important enough because hers are much greater. But I will try hard to give myself the validation I need to feel I'm allowed to think my own thoughts. This has been, and still is an unbelievably difficult challenge for me. Thanks again.
We are empaths. We put our partner's needs and feelings way above ourself's. Am in a similar situation. Only way out I can think of is to train ourself to care less, grow a tougher harder skin, and to man up (learn from books or online courses).
if you don’t want a baby please don’t have one. Set her free so she can find someone who wants to have a child with her, or she can get a donor, or adopt, or whatever she needs to do,
The more you drag this out the worse it is for everyone.
”she allowed us to move forward”. you allowed yourself to move forward. It takes two to have a child. So pull the brake right now, and speak up and don’t go through with it if you don’t want a child,
it will be messy and very hard, and I am so sorry that is the case. But bringing a child into it will make it about a million times messier and it’s unfair to you, to her, and to the child.
good luck, I am hoping for the best for you
@JaneSustenListens
Thank you for the tough love advice. I struggle with that because even though I question or feel I do not want a child, I equally have thoughts about being able to do this and prove to myself I can be there for her and be happy together with a child. So I go back and forth with ideas and feelings of both wanting and not wanting this. I feel insane sometimes with how much I go back and forth without a definitive conclusion about what I want. I'm sure that sounds stupid, but it's true.
If you are not sure then the answer should be negative, that you do not want a child with her. Everything you have described screams that this relationship is not going to work out. Don’t bring a child into the world that you are not positive you will be there for—that is just wrong.
Ten years of your partner’s time will never come back, but going back and forth now is taking away the last chance she has to make the life that she wants (women can’t wait the way men can for children).
you need to pull the brake on this, and it will be very hard because it’s so far overdue. Please speak up and treat yourself and your partner with dignity. Do not delay, get your therapist to help you, but it is frankly unkind to keep essentially lying to her about being willing to co parent
I am a difference voice from most.
It seems you have been in a relationship for 10 years and you took responsibilities toward your partner by prolosing and trying to conceive.
Now you must confront things with her, including your responsabilities of the choices you made for decade. This responsability is yours… you can’t blame her for having proposed you a path and for having yourself accepted it.
I wish you the courage to face this difficult but necessary conversation.
Tara
What ended up happening?
