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motherhen761
380 M Embraced 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts15 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2019 Member sinceNovember 28, 2018
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I need a reason or even to just hear the right words...PLEASE
Trauma Support / by motherhen761
Last post
 December 22nd, 2018
...See more My past has destroyed my current life and I am now facing deadly health issues that I am refusing treatment for in order to escape the pain of my past and what it has done to my current life. Also, because I trust NOBODY to touch me!. I love my family but I have caused so many issues within it from just the way I think and deal with life because what my past has turned me into. My husband wants me to get mental help, but I can't change who I am and seeking help does not erase the memories of what my life was. I know it is all about learning to cope with the pain but I don't want to cope anymore; I just want it gone. Well, that is how I am feeling, but I guess knowing why I feel this way would be helpful so here I go. I can not remember when it started because I was too young to remember but as a child, my father sexually molested me. On my tenth birthday, he went further and decided to have sex with me. Eventually, it went even further and he allowed his buddies to have sex with me. This went on till I was about 16. My mom did find out while it was happening but she allowed it I think because she was scared because he was very abusive. I have an older sister that was dating when I was in my younger teens and my mom ended up falling in love with my sister's boyfriend who obviously was much younger than her. They all came up with a plan to leave my dad when my sister's boyfriend turned 18 which was when I got away from my dad as well at age16. The problem was my mom pretty much-disowned me and wanted to live her new life with her new young man. So at age 16 I was on my own and ended up pregnant. I found out I was pregnant after I left the babies father and decided not to tell because my mom asked if her and her new now husband could have the baby. I agreed first but after giving birth I changed my mind and kept her. Eventually, after the birth, I went back to work and fell in love. He seemed so perfect and his love for me seemed sincere. I, in time, told him my dark secret about my father and his support was wonderful. We eventually got an apartment together with my daughter to start our lives together and all was well. He started begging me to have a baby with him and I finally gave in and said yes. I got pregnant and everything changed. He started disappearing overnight and became distant and abusive. I found out that he was using crack and because I loved him I wanted to stay and try to help him. My daughter was close to my mom because she babysat while I worked a 12 to 8 job so to keep her out of the situation I decided to let my mom keep her for a while till things got better. Well, it never did and I never got her back. It got worse. During the pregnancy of my son, he got more and more abusive to the point I was scared. I hoped having his child would shine a new light. It did not work, instead, he took me to a party that was set up for me to be gang-raped all night so he could get drugs. It doesn't end there..... after the semi-healing of the gang rape he forced me to have sex with men to support his drug habit almost every night for the next 4 years. Between my dad and my ex-fiance, I am ruined and there is no way I can live a happy normal life. I've tried with a wonderful man who got me out of that situation and even he says over and over..."there is no making me happy".
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