I need a reason or even to just hear the right words...PLEASE
My past has destroyed my current life and I am now facing deadly health issues that I am refusing treatment for in order to escape the pain of my past and what it has done to my current life. Also, because I trust NOBODY to touch me!. I love my family but I have caused so many issues within it from just the way I think and deal with life because what my past has turned me into. My husband wants me to get mental help, but I can't change who I am and seeking help does not erase the memories of what my life was. I know it is all about learning to cope with the pain but I don't want to cope anymore; I just want it gone. Well, that is how I am feeling, but I guess knowing why I feel this way would be helpful so here I go. I can not remember when it started because I was too young to remember but as a child, my father sexually molested me. On my tenth birthday, he went further and decided to have sex with me. Eventually, it went even further and he allowed his buddies to have sex with me. This went on till I was about 16. My mom did find out while it was happening but she allowed it I think because she was scared because he was very abusive. I have an older sister that was dating when I was in my younger teens and my mom ended up falling in love with my sister's boyfriend who obviously was much younger than her. They all came up with a plan to leave my dad when my sister's boyfriend turned 18 which was when I got away from my dad as well at age16. The problem was my mom pretty much-disowned me and wanted to live her new life with her new young man. So at age 16 I was on my own and ended up pregnant. I found out I was pregnant after I left the babies father and decided not to tell because my mom asked if her and her new now husband could have the baby. I agreed first but after giving birth I changed my mind and kept her. Eventually, after the birth, I went back to work and fell in love. He seemed so perfect and his love for me seemed sincere. I, in time, told him my dark secret about my father and his support was wonderful. We eventually got an apartment together with my daughter to start our lives together and all was well. He started begging me to have a baby with him and I finally gave in and said yes. I got pregnant and everything changed. He started disappearing overnight and became distant and abusive. I found out that he was using crack and because I loved him I wanted to stay and try to help him. My daughter was close to my mom because she babysat while I worked a 12 to 8 job so to keep her out of the situation I decided to let my mom keep her for a while till things got better. Well, it never did and I never got her back. It got worse. During the pregnancy of my son, he got more and more abusive to the point I was scared. I hoped having his child would shine a new light. It did not work, instead, he took me to a party that was set up for me to be gang-raped all night so he could get drugs. It doesn't end there..... after the semi-healing of the gang rape he forced me to have sex with men to support his drug habit almost every night for the next 4 years. Between my dad and my ex-fiance, I am ruined and there is no way I can live a happy normal life. I've tried with a wonderful man who got me out of that situation and even he says over and over..."there is no making me happy".
@motherhen761 Wow, you are a suvivor. Shocking and devastating what has happened to you and you are fighting. I pray for your healing, it can only get better from now on.
@VeganFeministGenderFluid That is the problem.....the survivor everyone sees is just a mask am hiding behind. I only survived physically.
@motherhen761
I can relate to a lot of the emotions you've shared here.
How are you feeling after telling your story?
If it helps, please know that we hear you, and we believe you. I understand just wanting the pain to be done, being tired mentally and physically from the stress for so long. I also understand that we can tend to place a lot of additional pressure on ourselves for not being over it quicker, not being stronger somehow, not meeting others' expectations. I do know how hard it is especially when you have a spouse and kids to see your past struggles affect the present.
You're not alone. The fact that you are here writing and seeking help shows how much you care and want things to improve. I'm wondering, what kinds of things do you do for yourself, to improve your relationship with you? Do you journal? What kinds of activities do you enjoy that can help you connect with yourself or show yourself compassion? Have you ever thought or written about what your personal values are?
I really believe that each of us exists for a reason and that we're connected to something higher than ourselves. You have value and worth. What you've gone through does not define who you are. You have something to offer the world that no one else can.
I hope this helps.
@SentientiaPoecile Telling my story scares me. My story shames me and kills me inside. I have been through a lot of down times since I escaped the situation but I can't find the strength this time. My strength was always my husband, son, and daughter and they are all broken now beyond fixing so I have no worth. I feel nothing. Almost like how I felt while living through what I guess is called "MyStory", but worse because I found out dreams don't come true. Thank you for the nice reply.
@motherhen761
I understand what you're saying. I really can relate to your pain. There was a time not too long ago when I thought I was too broken and that I had ruined things around me beyond repair. But then something little changed. Then something else small. And now things are still hard but better. And I can feel they're getting better every day. I had no way of seeing how they would change then. I spent 30 years without hope, and then suddenly it was there. Even today I have trouble fully trusting it. But it's there. I hope for this for you as well. I think if it was possible for me then it's possible for anyone. But it's also important that you let yourself feel the way you do right now, to not push yourself. These feelings may not be pleasant, but they're important too and need to have their voice. I hope you'll keep talking here with us. I'm glad you're here.
@motherhen761
please please do not give up. there is a purpose for your life and you are loved. there is a reason you have gone through what you have gone through, even though it may not feel like it right now in the midst of all your pain. life seems hopeless and i have no idea what you are going through right now, but i know this: you are strong. yes, you might not feel strong, but you are. not everyone can make it through what you have made it through.
i know it's hard to trust others, especially with what you have endured, but you must must remember: it's over now. the abuse from your father is over now. right now, you have the freedom to get help. you are not stuck with your mother and father at 16 years old anymore, you are you right now in this present moment. you have the right to get yourself help, but only you can make that decision.
i believe in you and please dont forget that you have worth! please please dont give up, it would make me so sad to find out you are gone. <3
@shymelody Thank you so much for your sweet words of concern especially coming from a stranger and all. My problem is I don't think I have enough time to address or even get myself to address my mental health so I can get the physical health care I need. I am bleeding internally and it is not known where because I refuse to get the tests needed to find out. Right now I need a blood transfusion or I could die. I won't admit myself in the hospital to get the transfusion because I did that before and I know what to expect. They do a body check I guess to cover themselves from being accused of abuse. Plus, I have no idea where the blood is coming from. It could be from a rapist for all I know. I did get a partial transfusion from a Hematologist and had to walk out because I could not deal with it, but after 3 months all the blood cells died so I am back to where I started and I think this is simply my time.
@motherhen761
Please don't let yourself die, your life is so precious! I know I'm a stranger but I care about you so much and I would hate to know you are gone. Maybe you could check out some sort of therapy and talk about why you can't trust anyone? Or if you aren't at a place where you are comfy with that, you can write down how you feel and do like a self reflection? There are some listeners on here that can give advice too. Whatever you do, please please know that you are loved.
@motherhen761
Firstly I want to say thank you for sharing with us. That could not have been easy to type and I'm sure it would feel even more overwhelming to speak out loud. You are so brave for reaching out to talk about this. I think that it's important to focus on the fact that... even though you feel very hopeless and helpless, you reached out anyway. You fought those feelings of low self worth and said that you do want to get better. It sounds like you're scared to start the process because the unknown is vast and terrifying... but you reached out anyway. You are stronger than you know.
You were put in a pattern of caring for other people's needs and not your own. Forced to do this over and over again can have the effect of having you not even know how to put yourself first. You are allowed to be happy, you deserve happiness.
I know that a part of you wants to give up. You've been so exhausted for so long and every little thing takes every ounce of your energy. But I'm telling you that things can get better. It won't be easy, but nothing is easy unfortunately. I often get furious about how frustrating it is to not have things "just be easy for once." You weren't protected as a child, so you just want someone to take care of you, someone to want to protect you and shield you and take away your pain. I think it's great that you've found a supportive partner, but in recovery you'll learn to be your ownn guardian angel. To assert your needs, put yourself first, set boundaries with people, and demand respect, because these things are what you deserve.
Your life will never be "normal," our baggage makes that impossible because our experiences in life are extremely different from the average person, but I promise you can learn how to be happy. I felt happiness for the first time at 25 after 6 years of intensive therapy and... it's worth it. I promise. You can take back your life. It will not be perfect, but happiness isn't about ease or perfection. It's about purpose and fulfillment. It's about doing what feels right for you, and I believe you can get there.
@Hoxenos It was extremely hard to write what happened and telling someone face to face is impossible. It is nice to hear someone understand that because my husband seems to think I should not have a problem doing so. At least, not to the extreme where I refuse to do it. I have so much gone wrong right now.......my family, my health, and simply ME. It is funny how you say I only know others needs because I am constantly saying I just need to be love and not needed. I describe myself as a vacuum cleaner. I am parked away in the corner until I am needed to clean-up.I'm so lonely in my marriage; in life in general and I can't find reason or worth any more to help me carry on.
@motherhen761 I want you to know that what happened to you is not who you are. You have a personality seperate from your victim status or your illnesses. Recovery is about finding out who that person is. I am a survivor from childhood as well, and a lot of trauma help talks about getting back to the you before trauma, but what about when you don't know who you were before the trauma because it started so early? It's harder to pry apart the pieces of you, but you are not your trauma. You had trauma happen to you. Imagine a perfect future (not a perfect past, you can't undo anything that has happened up until now) what would a perfect future look like for you. What does happiness and success look like for you? Does it mean pursuing a career you're passionate about or getting into an in depth hobby like something artistic? What are you passionate about? What are your interests? What are the parts of you that are YOU.
You can achieve any of these things that you want. It takes time and patience with yourself but it is 100% possible. I believe in you.
@Hoxenos Me...... I love animals, I love music, I love my family, and I love writing poetry. As far as employment.I am disabled and can not work due to Scoliosis (spine curvature) causing my rib cages to push in. Furthering a career is out and between my depression and being so weak from needing a blood transfusion, I can't get myself to write or even concentrate to do so. Everyone tells me that what I experienced does not define me but I disagree because I am who I am because that was my life.It has caused trust issues,I over analyze everything, I think everyone and everything has a motive, I am overprotective, I have very low self-esteem. I always need reassuring, I can not make friends because all I have to talk about is that. I am always scared......I have a bed in my living room because I am afraid to not hear if someone is trying to get in while I am trying to sleep. I am afraid of the dark, I can't be touched, I am always looking over my shoulder, and honestly, I feel that maybe I am really a crack whore. Everything I do reflects on my past and I can't seem to escape that or even change it.It is who I am.
@motherhen761
A lot of what you listed to me are symptoms, not personality traits. Fear and panic are emotions, they don't define you. You're right in that you are the person you are because of what happened to you, but recovery is about taking back control about being who you want to be. Those fears and emotions can be controled and contained. It takes a lot of work, but it can be done, I promise. There are also some positives. Some survivors end up having a lot of empathy because they understand the power pain has over a person and know how to make others feel less alone in their pain. Often they can be really great volunteers or effective in health care settings. They are generally very kind and caring people, that is what they choose to define them about their trauma.
@Hoxenos You are right...I guess they are more defined as emotions. I just get so overwhelmed with them that they take complete control of me. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for having the patience and taking the time to listen. <3
@motherhen761
Hello Motherhen.
I would like to open with this: your experiences and grief are valid, and you did not deserve this. Let me repeat: you did not deserve this. I'm engaged, and my fiance also wanted me to seek help. It took me awhile to understand that she was really trying to help herself. If it was an answer that could come out of a psychology textbook, then I would be okay, and we could be happy together again. It hurts the people we love when we are in pain, which I'm sure you've experienced yourself as a mother.
Now, therapy. I am not going to try and coerece you into therapy. After all, as far as memory goes, grief does not lessen; what hurts us is what we remember. So many in this world would like nothing better than for you to "snap out of it", to be more than your pain to make them feel better and so forth. Those sentiments come from a place of love and care, but that isn't how trauma works. Pain is part of us. Therapy, just as a personal observation, is nothing more than finding ways to help ourselves process that pain. To break it into manageable pieces by teaching us more about ourselves. To learn to live with it, to endure it.
I don't know you. I'm a name on a screen, and these are words from a stranger's heart. But I will say this: because you wrote this message, you are a survivor. The "I'm fine, I'm happy, please smell these beautiful daisies!" might be a front, but you are sitting here and you are brave enough to look for a type of health that works for you. You are alive and enduring. Okay, maybe not well, but you are here. Yes, you are scarred. Yes, you are apprehensive, are angry, but you are alive and I am so, so proud of you.
There are other ways to help ourselves than therapy, Motherhen, but I do think that stepping towards that light, that seeking a solution that's best for you, will also improve the lives of those you care about. It would be so much easier to stay hurt, to stay curled in that figurative dark corner and snarl at passersby - listen, I've been there. I know that what I advise, sorely because I care, will not be a mess of daisies and sunshine.
But it will, I hope, and fervantly, be better for you.
All my love.
Aggie