mrinspector Member Profile

...See more At the ripe age of 19, I have come to the conclusion there is something deeply wrong with me. Ever since I was a child, going as far back as I can remember, I have had very little care for others. As I child, as young as 5 years old, I noticed that I did not feel the way others did. Faced with the pain or sorrow of others, I felt nothing but emptiness. The pain of others has never moved me, and I can count on one hand the times I have truly felt bad for someone. Empathy does not come naturally to me. I can force it though; it exists in my head like a switch, but I prefer to keep it off because to me feeling sorrow for others is perversely pathetic. Instead of feeling bad, my knee-jerk reaction to the pain of others is to laugh uncontrollably. The reason for this escapes me because I rarely find the topics at hand funny. I often have violent thoughts and urges; with them becoming more and more frequent as time goes by. Besides hurting others, all I think about is my own pleasure. Nothing in life besides acquiring the greatest amount of pleasure and satisfaction holds meaning to me. Emotional intimacy is something I consciously strive to avoid; long term relationships seem impossible for me. I found myself getting bored of others easily. Being alone forever seems like my only realistic option. Though I am not void of fear of guilt which is what confuses me. I do not act on my impulses because I am aware of the inconvenient consequences and I am don't receive great amounts of pleasure from the suffering of others either. I even sometimes feel shame when I think about hurting innocent people, even if that emotion is immediately followed up by anger and disgust. There is only one person in the world whom I am truly empathetic too. I feel pride knowing that I care so little. I think it is the superior way to feel and I feel better than most others knowing I am the way that I am. I told all of this and much more to two therapists and a psychiatrist yet I was told in so many words that there is nothing wrong with my mind. Could I be me who has truly misunderstood, or could the possibility of psychopathy be real?

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