I fear there is something very wrong with me
At the ripe age of 19, I have come to the conclusion there is something deeply wrong with me. Ever since I was a child, going as far back as I can remember, I have had very little care for others. As I child, as young as 5 years old, I noticed that I did not feel the way others did. Faced with the pain or sorrow of others, I felt nothing but emptiness. The pain of others has never moved me, and I can count on one hand the times I have truly felt bad for someone. Empathy does not come naturally to me. I can force it though; it exists in my head like a switch, but I prefer to keep it off because to me feeling sorrow for others is perversely pathetic.
Instead of feeling bad, my knee-jerk reaction to the pain of others is to laugh uncontrollably. The reason for this escapes me because I rarely find the topics at hand funny. I often have violent thoughts and urges; with them becoming more and more frequent as time goes by. Besides hurting others, all I think about is my own pleasure. Nothing in life besides acquiring the greatest amount of pleasure and satisfaction holds meaning to me. Emotional intimacy is something I consciously strive to avoid; long term relationships seem impossible for me. I found myself getting bored of others easily. Being alone forever seems like my only realistic option.
Though I am not void of fear of guilt which is what confuses me. I do not act on my impulses because I am aware of the inconvenient consequences and I am don't receive great amounts of pleasure from the suffering of others either. I even sometimes feel shame when I think about hurting innocent people, even if that emotion is immediately followed up by anger and disgust. There is only one person in the world whom I am truly empathetic too. I feel pride knowing that I care so little. I think it is the superior way to feel and I feel better than most others knowing I am the way that I am.
I told all of this and much more to two therapists and a psychiatrist yet I was told in so many words that there is nothing wrong with my mind. Could I be me who has truly misunderstood, or could the possibility of psychopathy be real?
@mrinspector
Hi there. 💜 (Standard disclaimer I'm a random person on the internet and can't diagnose anything.)
Will say that much of what you've written sounds like things I've read in the past from other people on this site who have been diagnosed with ASPD (e.g. lack of empathy, violent thoughts/urges, lack of pleasure/interest in relationships, only avoiding harming others due to negative consequences being inconvenient).
But I did notice some ways in which things differ or seem a bit more complicated than the usual picture (e.g. being able to experience empathy, guilt, and shame--but just strongly preferring not to and turning those off out of repulsion; valuing being someone who's beyond experiencing those kinds of feelings).
Could see how it would be confusing that you've gone to multiple mental health professionals and they've essentially said "sounds normal/healthy to me" when it feels like your inner experience is different from others' and has been for a while.
I wish I could add more than that and weigh in on whether the therapists were wrong or right. But I can only agree with you that it sounds like a confusing situation. Did they happen to say what they were evaluating for and what diagnostic criteria were/weren't present?
@QuietMagic Hello and thank you for your reply. I did not go into therapy under the guise of a psychopathy diagnosis. I went in for standard therapy; seeking an explanation as to why I felt so little empathy and regard for others. I was told that although many of my thoughts and feelings did align with psychopathy, my lack of criminal history and violence among other things would make the reality of psychopathy unlikely. I would be surprised for a positive diagnosis. I do not truly feel like a psychopath. The wretched place where psychopathy resides feels very far from me. Albeit closer than normalcy, but far nonetheless. I study forensic science, I know psychopathy. I have taken online tests and whatnot. The results mostly the same: not undoubtedly psychopathic but not completely out of the question. I love not caring. When I think of the way other psychopaths think I always find myself agreeing, no matter how unjust I know that the claims are. I know that my moral compass is deeply flawed. I am not oblivious to what is right or wrong; I simply do not care. The lack of answers is what bothers me most. I went into therapy seeking answers as to why I feel so differently from others and was met with nothing of substance in reply. Although I did not specify until the end, I told my therapists my only reason for therapy was to find answers, and that if I did not then I would stop attending therapy at once; which I did. For all my malicious thoughts and urges they said I was perfectly normal. At this point I am not sure what about me is abnormal and what is not. The possibility of psychopathy was the only thing that brought me some semblance of comfort.
@mrinspector
I wonder if psychopathy could exist on a spectrum instead of a strict on/off switch where you either have it or don't. Perhaps you don't satisfy all of the diagnostic criteria for ASPD from the strictly on/off perspective, but you might still be closer to the "on" side than the "off" side (or closer to the "on" side than most people).
A parallel situation: it happens pretty often that people come to 7 Cups asking "do I have BPD"? And my response to that usually tends to be "I can't say whether you do or don't, but even if you don't, resources for BPD can still be helpful if it feels like the labels and descriptions strongly resonate". If there's something pulling you to the concept of psychopathy, then maybe it's still something relevant with or without a diagnosis.
