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This is not the first time anyone in the history of creation has felt the way I'm feeling. But I'm not everyone.
I often imagine myself living in Ireland. I am in love, or in love with the idea of being in love. There is someone in my life I have great passion with. Sometimes it's my significant other that I live with and wake up to every morning. They're beautiful and get me on another some other level no one has ever managed to. They make me laugh even when I'm mad at them. Sometimes I picture it as this person in town I make random eye contact with that is bad boy handsome and invades my personal thoughts to the point where I turn myself on in the middle of the day thinking about us together. I work for a museum as an assistant curator and I love my job even though a lot of my work is time consuming and monotonous. Sometimes I accidentally break really old things and pretend like it never happened, a piece of a book binding, a chip off of an old 16th century vase, a rip in a tapestry rumored to be worth thousands of dollars. In the time that I've worked there I somehow arranged for some really cool pieces to be brought in and it earned some real brownie point with my boss. Sometimes she intimidates the crap out of me but I think it's just because she's so intelligent and I want her to think I'm smart too. I live in an old house that fills with warm light in the late afternoon. It has a million tchotchkes lining the walls and shelves. I can rarely seem to keep it clean but it's home and when it does stay tidy it makes me feel at peace. There are pieces of plaster coming off of the outside and I think the beams are slightly dry-rotted but I just live everyday like it couldn't collapse at any moment. It gives it character. There's a brook near by and I walk there everyday. I sit on the rocks and I write and dream up things while I freeze my toes off. The child in me always hopes I see a faerie when I go there. I never do. I save up my money and vacation time so I can tick off the boxes on my historical places and ancient sites bucket list. Last year I went to Barcelona, Greece, and Thailand. I'm saving Egypt for last.
I have been building on this daydream for years. It is ever changing. Right now it consumes my every thought. I want to pack up my things and leave. Every time something bad happens. Every time I have a hard day at work. Every time I have to fake it in front of family. Every night my girlfriend sleeps in her bed instead of mine. Every time I lay awake at night hoping that I fall asleep before my thoughts can get too heavy. But even sleep isn't safe. Because when I sleep people I dream about people who hurt me. Not hurt in a bad, dangerous way. Just people that I miss that I shouldn't be missing. I mean, I must miss them if I think about them in my most my private moments. No one sees my dream. They don't what he's doing in them. They don't see how I look at him. They don't even know how I feel when I wake up in the morning and snap myself out of it because I have an amazing girl sleeping a room away and I don't even actually want to be with him anymore. The mind is so fucked up sometimes. But yea, sure, I want to runaway when that happens.
I hop off the grooling flight, I took 2 pills. I am exhausted. I breathe the air as soon as I exit the airport. I get on the Airlink #747 to Dublin and get off at O'Connell St. "Home" I say to myself. It's become a running tradition to say that whenever I arrive back. I walk towards the other side of the Liffey, trying to avoid getting hit by a bus, they stop for no one. I take in the view of the river from the bridge. I get to Abigails and the smell of burnt toast, instant coffee, and cleaning supplies fills my nose. "Home" I think once more. I get upstairs to my room and there's luckily only 3 people in there so far. I grab the top bunk. I put my headphones in, turn on my fan app, and take a nap. I get up at 4:30, time for food! I head downstairs and people are gathered in the common room with drinks and bags of chips lining the tables. I walk around the corner to Chopped and get a salad and a Peanut Butter Banana smoothie. After I'm done I walk a ways towards St. Stephens Green. I go to the right of the pond and head to the steps and sit on the rock wall. The sun is lower but still beaming. I am jetlagged but so content.
It doesn't get any easier, the longer I stay away. I know I'm working towards the goal right now. But it will be 5-6 years before I'm done with school. I can't wait that long. I know I can't go backwards and make better decisions as a teenager but school, full time, at 24? Working full time? What was I thinking? I'll be 30 before I'm done. Will I want to still travel when I'm 30? I mean, of course I will but will I want it like I do right now. So many things can change before then.
I feel stuck. I feel like there's a group of people around me right now, each one of them is telling me to do something different and I am standing in the middle of it, catatonic, not knowing how to get the words out. I WANT OUT. I WANT LIFE. THIS IS NOT LIFE. MY 20 MINUTE COMMUTE TO THE DESK JOB IN THE OFFICE WITH NO WINDOWS AND THE DUMB GIRL NEXT TO ME WHO IS 32 AND KEEPS DATING GUYS THAT HAVE BEEN IN JAIL AND WONDERING WHY SHE HAS RELATIONSHIP ISSUES IS NOT LIFE. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE. MY GIRLFRIEND WHO DOESNT HAVE TIME FOR ME BECAUSE SHES SO INVOLVED IN HER CAREER AND TRYING NOT TO FUCK IT UP IS NOT LIFE. MY GIRLFRIEND, WHO DOESNT LET ME TOUCH HER BODY AND I DONT WANT TO BE PUSHY, ITS HER BODY, BUT GOD DO I WANT TO JUST KISS HER SWEET SKIN ALL THE TIME. I know she's trying but so am I. Everyday. It takes all of my energy to get out of bed in the morning. It takes all of my energy to will myself to go there and listen to the women in that office cat fight their ways through the day while I take home a measly $500 that is barely covering my bills. It takes all of my energy to stop myself from calling up Jason and saying "I know you're going to advise me not to, as it is your job, but I think I'm gonna take the $8,000, right now, as soon as you can get it to me, check would be nice". It takes all of my energy to not buy a one way to Dublin and say see ya, I'm off to have a bit a of good craic and cider and the rest of you can FUCK OFF. Yea, it takes it all.
Fin
