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nanaue
1,595 M Little Steps 6
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts34 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2023 Member sinceAugust 9, 2021
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Trauma Support / by nanaue
Last post
 April 4th, 2022
...See more I think i just really want to get this out because i want to feel lighter. I went to therapy but i couldnt even mention this, it was just so difficult talking about everything so i didnt go this deep. anyway, and i dont know how to begin. I feel so much shame and like im wrong for writing it down even. I dont know how many times ive erased what i wrote now and started over. Im an adult now in my twenties, a male. I lost my parents at a young age, so i had to live with my uncle. He was okay i guess when not drunk or influenced on drugs. He did drink a lot though and it was terrifying. He wouldnt hit too hard but i could never see it coming so i became very nervous and tried to do everything correct. I could never just skip chores or fail at something in school because i was just scared that he would flip. And he constantly compared me to his kid (my cousin), i was the bad one and my cousin an angel, no matter how hard i tried. I dont know when it started but i think i have memories from when i was 9. Im really strugglin to write this down. When he got really drunk sometimes he would wake me up and ask me to do stuff. He was acting very different and not as harsh as usual but still just with so much authority and i hate myself for not being able to act differently then. It went on for a couple of years and my mental health was just really bad. I started looking for attention online and met an older man when i was 11 or 12. Same thing there i just did what they asked even though i dont think i really wanted, i just wanted someone to care about me. This person commented about my looks and because how fragile i was i developed an eating disorder which i still struggle with today on and off. I had so much anxiety all the time. Also my uncle and his girlfriend broke up and she took my cousin and moved away so suddenly i was all alone. I didnt see them much after that and i dont have any other relatives in this country and the others ive never met. i guess my only break from all this was around high school when i had a girlfriend that i could talk to. I never got to tell about all this but it still felt like i could talk about real stuff. Later she got over me though and broke up. All my courage and all the good in my life just seemed to disappear. I struggle so much to talk to new people and i feel like no one really likes me. I never know what others think about me and i constantly go over every conversation afterwards. Im really really awkward. And this leads up to me not having any lasting relationship, friend or other. Again i have so much anxiety all the time but mostly at nights, its really hard to get sleep. I also struggle with my sexuality. I guess i dont know what i am or how i should feel. Am i really bi or is it just because of my past. Im so ashamed of everything and for longing for an older man to just be there for me. I dont know in what way percisely but the feeling is really strong. I want to apologise for myself all the time and sorry for how i feel and how i am and just sorry for existing. I want to be normal and happy and confident but all i could share with my therapist was that i was feeling sad and anxious from time to time. And the outcome was i got some exercises and just random pointers on how to not be sad. Again i know this was my fault for not opening up but i just go mute in that situation. It took so much time to even get all this down. Thanks to anyone who took time to read. And also sorry u had to read all this. Hope no one feels the same.
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