story
I think i just really want to get this out because i want to feel lighter. I went to therapy but i couldnt even mention this, it was just so difficult talking about everything so i didnt go this deep.
anyway, and i dont know how to begin. I feel so much shame and like im wrong for writing it down even. I dont know how many times ive erased what i wrote now and started over.
Im an adult now in my twenties, a male. I lost my parents at a young age, so i had to live with my uncle. He was okay i guess when not drunk or influenced on drugs. He did drink a lot though and it was terrifying. He wouldnt hit too hard but i could never see it coming so i became very nervous and tried to do everything correct. I could never just skip chores or fail at something in school because i was just scared that he would flip. And he constantly compared me to his kid (my cousin), i was the bad one and my cousin an angel, no matter how hard i tried.
I dont know when it started but i think i have memories from when i was 9. Im really strugglin to write this down. When he got really drunk sometimes he would wake me up and ask me to do stuff. He was acting very different and not as harsh as usual but still just with so much authority and i hate myself for not being able to act differently then. It went on for a couple of years and my mental health was just really bad. I started looking for attention online and met an older man when i was 11 or 12. Same thing there i just did what they asked even though i dont think i really wanted, i just wanted someone to care about me. This person commented about my looks and because how fragile i was i developed an eating disorder which i still struggle with today on and off. I had so much anxiety all the time. Also my uncle and his girlfriend broke up and she took my cousin and moved away so suddenly i was all alone. I didnt see them much after that and i dont have any other relatives in this country and the others ive never met.
i guess my only break from all this was around high school when i had a girlfriend that i could talk to. I never got to tell about all this but it still felt like i could talk about real stuff. Later she got over me though and broke up. All my courage and all the good in my life just seemed to disappear. I struggle so much to talk to new people and i feel like no one really likes me. I never know what others think about me and i constantly go over every conversation afterwards. Im really really awkward. And this leads up to me not having any lasting relationship, friend or other. Again i have so much anxiety all the time but mostly at nights, its really hard to get sleep.
I also struggle with my sexuality. I guess i dont know what i am or how i should feel. Am i really bi or is it just because of my past. Im so ashamed of everything and for longing for an older man to just be there for me. I dont know in what way percisely but the feeling is really strong. I want to apologise for myself all the time and sorry for how i feel and how i am and just sorry for existing. I want to be normal and happy and confident but all i could share with my therapist was that i was feeling sad and anxious from time to time. And the outcome was i got some exercises and just random pointers on how to not be sad. Again i know this was my fault for not opening up but i just go mute in that situation. It took so much time to even get all this down.
Thanks to anyone who took time to read. And also sorry u had to read all this. Hope no one feels the same.
@nanaue
Hey Nanaue,
I understand needing to write about this situation because it is overwhelming and you just couldn't mention it to your therapist. I understand the difficulty of talking about these kind of things. You shouldn't feel ashamed to share your story. It is valid. I understand having trouble wording what you want to say and feel the need to start over. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your parents at a young age. I understand that you still think about it and it affects you to this day. I understand when being under the influence other adults can do harmful things to children. I understand not seeing it coming and that you were nervous and scared it would happen again. I'm sorry about the comparisons he made between you and your cousin. We all have our own struggle and we all make mistakes. People need to understand that no one is perfect. We're allowed to mess up and learn from it. I'm sorry to hear that you had to experience at a young age and that it traumatized you. I know it's not easy. I'm sorry to hear about the person online making comments about you that impacted you in a negative way. I know it's not easy to be able to accept yourself as who you are. I understand having a lot of anxiety at that time. I know how it feels to be lonely and all alone. When you wish you had someone around who could support you. I'm sorry to hear about your past relationship struggles. I know it must have not been easy for you during those times. I completely understand struggling with your sexuality. It's okay not to know who you are or what you want to be/feel. You shouldn't be ashamed of wanting another relationship, you didn't get the love you really needed in your childhood so now you're trying to find acceptance in a different person. You don't need to apologize for how you feel. It's okay to feel this way. Your existent matters. Everything about you matters to 7 cups at least. I understand wanting to be normal. We all have our phases of anxiety and depression in life. Some last longer than others. But it's all temporary. Life is really worth the fight. I know it's not easy. It's understandable that you were struggling to open up about this topic as you felt really ashamed of it. Nothing is your fault please know that. Just knowing that can help so much. I really hope you feel better soon. I wish the best for you. Please know you're not alone and other people can relate to you. I hope this message finds you in a better safer and healthier place soon. ❤️
Thank you for your answer. Im sorry i dont know what else to say. I feel so anxious about all this. Thank u for taking time to read and answer.
@nanaue
You're welcome. It's okay that you don't know what to say. You must be really confused right now. No need to thank me for reading and answering. That's what i'm here for. I hope you're doing better now. I know it must be hard.
@nanaue
I'm so sorry you had to endure all this abuse. I also had some really awful things I endured. It takes real courage to share your assault experience with people. It's important to say " it's not your fault" know this. Your uncle was supposed to be your protector!
Any way I am in therapy and I recommend it. It takes time to tell what happened. It took me 4 months of weekly sessions to tell. It took a long time for me to accept and share here on 7 cups. I had boundary issues like the ones you have. I let others abuse me. It's because we had all our boundaries broken and we are very vulnerable. Plus I was looking for love too. Start with looking at all your best qualities and I know you have some and work on self care, do things just for you. Definitely I recommend trying therapy again. Don't wait because you matter, your life is important and you deserve the best of everything. Best always ABB
Thank you, really. I needed this. I cant believe someone takes time to answer my post. If you ever need to talk i’ll listen. And its a long road, but im trying self care. Trying to change.
um is there any way to delete my own post? I feel so anxious right now and its just bothering me that its out here. Anyone knows?
@nanaue
I'm sure a person in this thread knows how to delete postings. I'm sorry I don't know how, but don't be anxious your stuff is safe here. I've been here awhile now and never had any problems with my posting on 7 cups. I think the anxiety of the situation plays on you. It's been like that for me, I doubt my posts and if I'm protected here. It's the gravity of the trauma you've been through. I'm sorry. I hope this helps some .... ABB
I really dont know what to do anymore. There’s just too much anxiety and I dont get much sleep. I feel like I just want to end things. And I think i’ve realised i will never be ”normal” anyway. Why did I survive in the first place, I wish i hadnt and then I would never have lived this miserable life.
@nanaue
I'm so sorry for how your feeling. I understand it's physical as well as emotional. The anxiety you have is normal, I had so much anxiety I left my job ...the pain of trauma comes out in physical ways as well as emotional.
Sleep was impossible for a long time, it's the trauma, flashbacks and dreams. I was afraid to sleep. I got medication from my Dr so I could cope with my PTSD .
I felt the same way you do about the " why did I land here, why did all this stuff happen to me?"
I think there's a reason for it, it's difficult to see when your dealing with trauma. It takes time. It took me years to start feeling better. I think because I had this terrible experience maybe I'm supposed to do something to help others ...I'm still figuring it out.
I think if you feel desperate and you need emergency help, go to a hospital they will take care of you.
You deserve healing help. Your young and have a whole life to live. So many people out there for you to meet and maybe find a life outside of the state of mind your in right now. Don't give up on yourself!
ABB 💜
I think you are so brave for sharing
I feel so bad right now. I dont know why im writing here. I dont know whats wrong with me. Feels like my chest is going to explode, Im so dizzy. Why am I feeling like this if I did nothing wrong. It should be the opposite. And I dont have the strength or courage to keep things up so Im just crying all the time. I really hate everything about myself. Is this life?
@nanaue
You likely have some trauma from what happened. It affects you emotionally and physically.... I had a ton of trauma and it consumed me so badly I couldn't work or eat or anything. I was in a really bad place. Just remember you went through something really traumatic and you probably need some help processing it. Once you process it you start to feel better. Therapy was the biggest help for me. I did alot of writing too. Remember to put yourself first. Please take care. Glad you feel like you can post your feelings here. Your feelings are completely normal.
Best ABB