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Hi, I've never posted anywhere like this before so please bare with if this gets long or confusing etc.
Basically I was diagnosed with depression in June though I've been suffering with it, probably since last year. I've been through a short course of CBT over the phone, though I don't feel like I have found it that helpful, I didn't really click with my therapist and it kinda felt like I could have got the same effect reading through a book.
Anyway, I had been feeling like I was getting better but around Friday I started feeling low. This continued into Saturday and I canceled some plans I had during the day as I didn't feel up to it. On the night I was going to a special gig with my work friends. I felt ok during the gig but looking back I think I was probably just covering it over rather than actually feeling better. I was drinking and though I didn't have as much as I might usually, I think it was affecting me more. I was meant to be meeting some friends after but when I contacted them they first messed about a bit and then informed me they were having to head home (for a genuine reason) and for some reason it really hit a nerve. I'm normally quite inwardly angry (I have self harmed in the past) but for some reason on this night I was expressing it more and aiming it at one particular friend. This friend has actually been really supportive and lovely and a value to have. I mean there have been times with my mental health when they've managed to make me feel worse (particularly when telling me my considering taking meds was giving up and asking if I was trying hard enough when I wasn't really finding the CBT that helpful). I've also felt them being quite distant lately and I was considering getting some space from them just because I felt it might just be my own paranoia etc.
Anyway, I considered going home but a girl I was with encouraged me to go out and so I did, with her buying me more drinks. I just felt so out of character all night. Like I've never felt so different from myself or out of control before. I made out with a lot of random guys and sent a passive aggressive subtweet (May sound minor but literally not something I would ever normally do). The other girl went home and I don't even remember how I got home. I think I walked myself home (I live a 15 minute walk away, again not something I'd usually do).
I think I had a bit of a breakdown when I got home. I remember leaving my building again wondering if there would be any guys around to sleep with (I'm a virgin) and it occurred to me that I could get stabbed and die, and I remember the distinct feeling of not caring at all. I think a part of me kind of hoped I would be. Eventually I went back inside and ended up sat crying by the lifts. I think I was hitting self destruct and I sent a series of texts to the earlier mentioned good friend. They started off saying I thought he needed to treat me better (I think this was my drunk brains way of trying to say about the distance thing) and ended with a few about hating myself and that I wasn't coping. I must have later woken up and sent another telling him to ignore the texts.
When I did eventually wake up, I came to the conclusion that I had an awful and somewhat scary experience. As I said, I've never been like that before. I decided that I needed some space on my own anyway and that I needed to stop with the drinking and everything. However, said friend was understandably very upset. I completely get why, obviously. I was a dick that night and had been off for a while. In the text I received from them they said they were uncomfortable around me now that I was pulling them into drama and they don't do drama. They no longer wanted to be friends. I replied apologising and tried to explain that it wasn't even about them, but clearly my own issues and that I understood and respected his position. Whilst this is true, I was quite shocked at his response. Aside from once last year, he hasn't mentioned any issues and he's known about my struggles and the way it affects me. Additionally, when he was facing his own issues, I was always there for him, I mean he never said anything like that to me but he had told me to f off and I had to walk him home on a walk lasting over an hour in a light rain when he'd drank too much, receiving only a text that literally said "I suppose I should say sorry for last night". It surprised me that he was willing to walk away from two years of friendship based on a text I sent when I was clearly drunk, vulnerable and out of character.
Anyway, I don't know if I can fix it, or if I should try? I feel like I would like to at least apologise in person, not try to get him to change his mind or anything (he said he doesn't want to discuss it) but literally just apologise properly. I've never felt texts to be very genuine.
I also face the problem that he is the friend through which I know my other friends and now I don't know if I'm welcome with them anymore because we've fallen out. We have a Christmas meal booked for example (he's my secret Santa actually, to add to the awkwardness) and I don't know how to even broach if I'm welcome. I considering messaging another member of the group but I don't know if he's spoken to any of them about what happened and I don't want to come across like I'm trying to undermine him or anything. Simultaneously, I'm not sure he'd reply if I asked him.
Any advice for this mess?
