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neatBlueberry3608
1,769 M Hopeful Heart
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts207 Forum posts39 Forum upvotes41 Current upvotes41 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2020 Member sinceAugust 28, 2020
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These are my demons (pt1)
Trauma Support / by neatBlueberry3608
Last post
 September 1st, 2020
...See more I feel like I am a horrible person. I have done things in my life that I am FAR from proud of, in fact I am disgusted with myself. I find it so hard to tell the truth & get it out & forgive myself. I have tried going to church, I have tried writing, I have tried counseling (currently in it) but I am not seeing any of it working out very well. Well here goes nothing: My "mother" has not been in my life since since before my son was born really but most definiativley since my son was born due to me telling her that her boy friend at the time who had alias's & a record was to tell me what was on his record or he was not to be around my son, she chose to tell me it was nothing that bad but refused to tell me so I told her he was not allowed around my son & the narccicst that she is she chose to flip that around & say I didn't want her around my son. So of course I felt bad about this to some degree but then a couple of months later after he had broken up with her he was on the news for beating the shit out of his new girl friend, new girls friends daughter & new girl friends daughters boy friend with a hammer. When I brought this to my "mothers" attention & said that could of been me or my son her response was well that could of been me. SMH, she never even apolgized & said I am sorry, you were right. I am sorry I almost put you in harms way. So since then I really have not talked to her much. We have come across eachother at a couple of funerals because reguardless of her basically telling the whole side of her family about this & having them cut me out, some of them still spoke to me & at least let me know when someone passed & seeing that it wasn't their fault I did the respectful thing & at least went & paid my respects. A the last funeral we talked & enchanged numbers & I felt like maybe I should try & give her a chance. So I did however just like night & day one minute she was OK & the next she was bringing shit up for the past & just being her self; which showed me that nothing had changed so I just let it go. But it just isn't fair. I never had a mom. I do not remember ever being close with her. She never showed me how to put on make up, never showed me how to cook, nothing. I hate that feeling. & it hurt me even more because my husband was adopted & knew who his biological mother was, we went to visit her when I was pregnant. But something happened & they had a falling out & he never got in touch with her. He found out about 3 yrs after it happened that she had passed away from breast cancer. He was devestated. & he mentioned to me that I should try to work things out with my mom while I had the chance. & it got me thinking, that I should. That is of course when I tried & she was OK at one minute with how I wanted to go about it, then 3 hours later she was talking shit. So I gave up on it. I hate myself for it but at the same time am proud of all that I have accomplished without her. My father has been the only one ever there for me whenever I needed him. Sure he was strict & mean when I was younger howevevr looking back it made me the person I am today so I do not hate him for it one bit. I of course did at the time because well I was a teenager clearly not getting my own way LOL. And then as morbid as this sounds; how am I going to feel when I find out something happened to her? How am I going to react? How would one advise moving on from this? Do i maybe write to her saying I forgive her & then burn or mail it? Someone tell me if I am doing this whole posting of the thread thing wrong, not sure if this is the manner in which we should be using this. Thank you in advance.
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