These are my demons (pt1)
I feel like I am a horrible person. I have done things in my life that I am FAR from proud of, in fact I am disgusted with myself. I find it so hard to tell the truth & get it out & forgive myself. I have tried going to church, I have tried writing, I have tried counseling (currently in it) but I am not seeing any of it working out very well. Well here goes nothing:
My "mother" has not been in my life since since before my son was born really but most definiativley since my son was born due to me telling her that her boy friend at the time who had alias's & a record was to tell me what was on his record or he was not to be around my son, she chose to tell me it was nothing that bad but refused to tell me so I told her he was not allowed around my son & the narccicst that she is she chose to flip that around & say I didn't want her around my son. So of course I felt bad about this to some degree but then a couple of months later after he had broken up with her he was on the news for beating the shit out of his new girl friend, new girls friends daughter & new girl friends daughters boy friend with a hammer. When I brought this to my "mothers" attention & said that could of been me or my son her response was well that could of been me. SMH, she never even apolgized & said I am sorry, you were right. I am sorry I almost put you in harms way. So since then I really have not talked to her much. We have come across eachother at a couple of funerals because reguardless of her basically telling the whole side of her family about this & having them cut me out, some of them still spoke to me & at least let me know when someone passed & seeing that it wasn't their fault I did the respectful thing & at least went & paid my respects. A the last funeral we talked & enchanged numbers & I felt like maybe I should try & give her a chance. So I did however just like night & day one minute she was OK & the next she was bringing shit up for the past & just being her self; which showed me that nothing had changed so I just let it go. But it just isn't fair. I never had a mom. I do not remember ever being close with her. She never showed me how to put on make up, never showed me how to cook, nothing. I hate that feeling. & it hurt me even more because my husband was adopted & knew who his biological mother was, we went to visit her when I was pregnant. But something happened & they had a falling out & he never got in touch with her. He found out about 3 yrs after it happened that she had passed away from breast cancer. He was devestated. & he mentioned to me that I should try to work things out with my mom while I had the chance. & it got me thinking, that I should. That is of course when I tried & she was OK at one minute with how I wanted to go about it, then 3 hours later she was talking shit. So I gave up on it. I hate myself for it but at the same time am proud of all that I have accomplished without her. My father has been the only one ever there for me whenever I needed him. Sure he was strict & mean when I was younger howevevr looking back it made me the person I am today so I do not hate him for it one bit. I of course did at the time because well I was a teenager clearly not getting my own way LOL.
And then as morbid as this sounds; how am I going to feel when I find out something happened to her? How am I going to react?
How would one advise moving on from this? Do i maybe write to her saying I forgive her & then burn or mail it?
Someone tell me if I am doing this whole posting of the thread thing wrong, not sure if this is the manner in which we should be using this. Thank you in advance.
@neatBlueberry3608
Hi, thanks for sharing. I think you should do what you feel, if you don't feel like talking to her then don't.
Don't do it because of guilt of what may happen. Some things are meant to be and others are not or you have to wait until you feel it is real. If you say "I forgive you" but you don't mean it it is better not to have said anything. Forgiving helps when you let it go truly, at least that is what I think and for what you said it seems like neither of you is ready to built a relationship.
I wish you the best
@ESTEF
Thank you. I totally understand what you are saying. Just by saying I "forgive her" is not going to be enough if i do not truly mean it because in the long run it did not solve anything. I just wish I could forget about it. It just isn't fair. I mean I know people have it worse off with being given up for adoption or having their parents abuse them but for me I just feel like it does suck & isn't fair. I almost sometimes feel like she did give me up, we were never really close so I am not sure why it bothers me too much. I appreciate your kind words, thank you.
I think Guilt is the currency that trauma trades in - if we feel guilty, it's easier to let piece of the trauma stay and not sweep them out.
I agree with the idea that forgiveness is powerful and useful, but saying it or acting like it without you feeling it in your core can be problematic down the road, for you and for the relationship.
But I think you can find ways to be gentle and to be open (to a point you're comfortable with) so that you feel less difficulty with the interactions. Maybe forgiveness will come in time and sneak up on you after a while, but it's also ok if it doesn't (in my opinion). Only you know if you can and want to provide forgivness.
@mnemosynedream
Thank you. I appreciate it. I believe that is a good point about guilt & trauma. Eventually you feel guilty for something that you would most likley never even think twice about. the curse of having a big caring heart & being brought up with respect really bites me in the butt sometimes. I would not change it, but it definatley feels like a curse at times more than a blessing. Again would not change it though.
OK so Pt 2, if you are ready LOL.
Now this is a tough one for me because I have NEVER told anyone about this, except my doctors, husband & my ex best friends mother for fear of being judge or being called a hyprocrite. I had my son at 20. So I was young, not super young but on the young side. He was a surprise, the best surprise I ever had. However my relationship with his father was not stable at this point we were like back and forth being together then not then together etc. He had a soon to be ex wife & 3 kids already (no I was not a home wrecker, their relationship was OVER before we even started hooking up).
When I got with my (now husband), son's father, he had said he did not want to be married again & did not want any more kids. I didn't think twice about it because I honestly did not know how far things would go with him anyway so I went along with it, whatever. Not to mention I was with my ex for about 5 years & we clearly were not trying to get pregnant, but we also were not protecting either and nothing ever happened, so I honestly thought it was me and that maybe I could not get pregnant. Well, surprise, it was NOT me as 3 months into my relationship with my now husband I became pregnant. (later on down the road so didn't my ex with some other girl....clearly we just were not meant to be together, it happens).
So 9 months go by & things were rocky, my husbands previous relationship was a rough one, she did a number on him when it came to his trust issues & such & was one of the mothers that used the kids as pawns & kept them from him & turned it around making him look like the bad guy, but that is a whole other story. Ok I'll admit I am stalling because I cannot believe I am going to put this out there........::big deep breath in & out::.......so 9 months go by & my beautiful little boy was born happy & healthy. He was/is perfect.
Well a couple of months after he was born guess who became pregnant again......yep that would be me. I do not know how seeing as I was on birth control. So we discussed what to do being that he had 3 kids already, 4 including our son. I would of totally LOVED another child, but deep down I knew that financially there was no way we could pull that off & I could not handle adoption (as selfish as that sounds) so I did what I NEVER thought I would have to do & had an abortion. WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!!! I have no idea how I went through with it. It literally KILLED me having to do that but it just would not have been fair to my son, his 3 kids or that child. I felt like at the time I was doing the right thing, didn't even try to think about it too much to make it work because I was young & stupid. It eats me up SO much. It doesn't bother my husband because he said he wasn't attached considering he never heard a heartbeat or felt a kick or anything, but for me....it was inside me. I did not hear a heartbeat or feel a kick but he/she was in there. Guess I will sum this up by saying what makes this worst is that I not only did this once but TWICE. I cannot understand how some people use that as a form of birth control bascially. I remember when I was in there I heard some of them say it was their 6th or 7th time. & of course I have ZERO room to judge but I just do not understand however one can do that. it KILLED me to have to do it a second time. I wish I could go back. I wish I had tried harder. I feel like I failed at being a mother. My son would of made an AMAZING big brother. He is SO good with little kids (all his cousins are younger).
I feel like I do not deserve to be forgiven for something like this. I feel like if anyone knew this about me that would like at me with such disgust, kind of like how I look at myself. I get so jealous when I hear about someone close to me who is pregnant & I feel like I do not deserve to feel like that because I had my chance. I hate that I cannot talk with anyone about it. I cannot express how much hate & disgust I have for myself over this.
Any advice? Can anyone out there relate? :(
