neonKiwi463 Member Profile

...See more I'm really not sure how this is supposed to work but here goes. I met my husband 3 years ago while on the rebound. We was never supposed to be a couple but it just kinda happened. Unfortunately I was still clinging to my ex at the time. I didn't think it mattered at the time because we was just hooking up so no promises was made. When he found out it broke him and that broke me. I couldn't believe I was that stupid and the thought of losing him terrified me. I ended all communication with the ex and became fully invested in us. It was hard for about a year after that with him constantly reminding me how bad I had hurt him, as though I could ever forget it. Then we was finally over it and happily together and now married and planning a life together. We tried to have a baby and then the problems started. He started getting distant and one day I checked his phone to find he had been flirting with many other women. I don't mean the accidental flirting where someone gets the wrong idea I mean the kind where they send good morning beautiful and photos.. the photos were heartbreaking. That happened off and on every other month until one day he tells one lady he loves her. He said it was only as a friend but it felt different. He stopped talking to her. Each time he stops talking to them only for a new woman to take the place. In January I found out that I may have cancer and while recovering from the procedure, my husband gets drunk and literally trust to go have sex with a few different people. I was devastated. After that it was like he didn't try to hide the disrespect anymore and he kept talking to different women over the following months. This last go round, I was so numb to it that it didn't even hurt me that he was talking to this other woman. What bothered me was that the other woman felt bad for me. I left for a day trying to collect myself. I resisted the urge to do dumb stuff although I truly had to resist. He has since started making small changes but it doesn't seem like enough. I am so mad and hurt. I'm not even mad at him or at least I don't think I am. I think I'm mad at myself. I feel like a fool for thinking he may actually change but I also don't want to let him go. I can see him trying and it breaks my heart but when he isn't trying it enrages me. Has it just gone too far? Is there a chance that we can make this work? He knows the darkest side of me and takes me just as I am. Can I really just walk away from him? I know that what has been happening was beyond toxic but am I crazy to think it could get back to being healthy?

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