Misery and marriage
I'm really not sure how this is supposed to work but here goes. I met my husband 3 years ago while on the rebound. We was never supposed to be a couple but it just kinda happened. Unfortunately I was still clinging to my ex at the time. I didn't think it mattered at the time because we was just hooking up so no promises was made. When he found out it broke him and that broke me. I couldn't believe I was that stupid and the thought of losing him terrified me. I ended all communication with the ex and became fully invested in us. It was hard for about a year after that with him constantly reminding me how bad I had hurt him, as though I could ever forget it. Then we was finally over it and happily together and now married and planning a life together. We tried to have a baby and then the problems started. He started getting distant and one day I checked his phone to find he had been flirting with many other women. I don't mean the accidental flirting where someone gets the wrong idea I mean the kind where they send good morning beautiful and photos.. the photos were heartbreaking. That happened off and on every other month until one day he tells one lady he loves her. He said it was only as a friend but it felt different. He stopped talking to her. Each time he stops talking to them only for a new woman to take the place. In January I found out that I may have cancer and while recovering from the procedure, my husband gets drunk and literally trust to go have sex with a few different people. I was devastated. After that it was like he didn't try to hide the disrespect anymore and he kept talking to different women over the following months. This last go round, I was so numb to it that it didn't even hurt me that he was talking to this other woman. What bothered me was that the other woman felt bad for me. I left for a day trying to collect myself. I resisted the urge to do dumb stuff although I truly had to resist. He has since started making small changes but it doesn't seem like enough. I am so mad and hurt. I'm not even mad at him or at least I don't think I am. I think I'm mad at myself. I feel like a fool for thinking he may actually change but I also don't want to let him go. I can see him trying and it breaks my heart but when he isn't trying it enrages me. Has it just gone too far? Is there a chance that we can make this work? He knows the darkest side of me and takes me just as I am. Can I really just walk away from him? I know that what has been happening was beyond toxic but am I crazy to think it could get back to being healthy?
This situation has gone too far to try to make it work by yourself/yourselves.
I'd consider seeking professional help from a couples counselor.
Such a counselor can help to better understand hence better communicate. Help with putting your true feelings on the table.
Talk to your husband, somewhere quiet. Express your feelings. Let him do the same. If you both want to commit to trying to save your relationship, go find a counselor. Do an intake 1st. Be critical, don't jump on the 1st counselor that can schedule you.
If you find one, and the intake put both of you in your comfort zone, then request a 1 on 1 session 1st, first with your partner, next with you. That way you can tell the counselor whatever you want, it won't be shared with your partner. Let your husband go 1st, he might not tell all, so you can add to/correct the view your counselor has of the situation.
I used the same approach, and it worked pretty well. Unfortunately, our marriage crashed anyway. Complicated, and things came up that made it even more complicated. Sometimes you have to choose for yourself, how deeply you still love each other.
We are still counseling though as we want to stay in each others life. Tough, lots of pain,damage, mistrust, but I was lucky, after reviewing/contacting quite a few counselors, to run into a counselor that felt like a perfect match after reading her profile. A profile that would definitely appeal to my wife, who had almost completely closed down to me.
Turned out to be a perfect match. Great counselor.
In short, sit down with your husband, tell how you feel, let him do the same. Propose counseling. If agreed, both of you should commit and be willing to be totally honest and open and put all your cards on the table when you'd start counseling.
No guarantees, but a good counselor can really help, if you haven't wait to long.
Warmth and love to both of you.
