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nicolodeon1992
1,303 M Little Steps 4
Ms.Lonely...
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts64 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceNovember 18, 2023
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I wish people could stream my thoughts
ADHD Support / by nicolodeon1992
Last post
 March 11th, 2024
...See more That way maybe people would believe me when I say that ADHD is such a struggle for me. I don’t present in the sense that has been mainstreamed. I’m quiet but my thoughts are a chaotic train derailing most of the time. I seem to have hyper awareness of myself so I’m constantly getting embarrassed by my topic changing, trailing off topic for a rant or simply forgetting what I was talking about. People don’t see the stress it causes me to handle my home life, work life, and social life. ADHD gives me anxiety because I don’t feel like I have the opportunity to explain it. Maybe it’s inner ableism but I feel like should be able to deal with this so much better. The Black community in my experience as a Black individual has been dismissive of neurodivergence, I/DD, and anything not seen as the societal standard for normal. My family was never equipped to handle something outside of the societal norm. The generational trauma feels so heavy and it’s almost like it comes out more when someone in the family is deemed “different”. I feel like they all distanced from me due to wanting to continue the assimilation and not seem even more different than they were already viewed. They hold personal responsibility to that decision but I can see part of that viewpoint. I only ever felt apart of the family prior to the age of 8. Maybe before I started to think and really look at the world. When I gained thought, I became the enemy. I challenged the “norm”. Some of my challenges were justified and others were not since I was being used as a tool of manipulation for others. I stand up to my mistakes. I apologize. I want to move on in a healthy way. No one else could. They had to be right. They would be willing to lose everything and proudly so if it meant being right. So I lost my ability to ever get help in childhood for the sake of another being right. I’m 32 and was diagnosed with ADHD last year. It took a telehealth service since my local area is neither the best nor updated on modern standards in practicing psychiatry. It’s great to have a diagnosis but now there’s adjusting years of thoughts that I was just a failure. I struggled for so long and I’m mourning the loss of who I could have been if I had help. I’m putting the pressure on so hard about making sure my son has the help and being denied that in areas due to lack of resources is infuriating. The thing I love the most (my son) I created with the same neurological difference as me. I’m happy I can identify with him and guide him better but I also hate myself for bringing him into a world that will reject, taunt, and sometimes punish him for being different even more than he already is as a biracial child. The hyper focus on everything he could struggle with based on the traits he was born with is a daily loop among a 1,000 others that play on shuffle in my mind. I am mentally exhausted but I’m also too unequipped in my ADHD to know how to rest. Again, I wish I could just stream my thoughts, maybe then someone would help.
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