I wish people could stream my thoughts
That way maybe people would believe me when I say that ADHD is such a struggle for me.
I don’t present in the sense that has been mainstreamed. I’m quiet but my thoughts are a chaotic train derailing most of the time. I seem to have hyper awareness of myself so I’m constantly getting embarrassed by my topic changing, trailing off topic for a rant or simply forgetting what I was talking about. People don’t see the stress it causes me to handle my home life, work life, and social life. ADHD gives me anxiety because I don’t feel like I have the opportunity to explain it. Maybe it’s inner ableism but I feel like should be able to deal with this so much better.
The Black community in my experience as a Black individual has been dismissive of neurodivergence, I/DD, and anything not seen as the societal standard for normal. My family was never equipped to handle something outside of the societal norm. The generational trauma feels so heavy and it’s almost like it comes out more when someone in the family is deemed “different”. I feel like they all distanced from me due to wanting to continue the assimilation and not seem even more different than they were already viewed. They hold personal responsibility to that decision but I can see part of that viewpoint. I only ever felt apart of the family prior to the age of 8. Maybe before I started to think and really look at the world. When I gained thought, I became the enemy. I challenged the “norm”. Some of my challenges were justified and others were not since I was being used as a tool of manipulation for others. I stand up to my mistakes. I apologize. I want to move on in a healthy way. No one else could. They had to be right. They would be willing to lose everything and proudly so if it meant being right. So I lost my ability to ever get help in childhood for the sake of another being right.
I’m 32 and was diagnosed with ADHD last year. It took a telehealth service since my local area is neither the best nor updated on modern standards in practicing psychiatry. It’s great to have a diagnosis but now there’s adjusting years of thoughts that I was just a failure. I struggled for so long and I’m mourning the loss of who I could have been if I had help. I’m putting the pressure on so hard about making sure my son has the help and being denied that in areas due to lack of resources is infuriating. The thing I love the most (my son) I created with the same neurological difference as me. I’m happy I can identify with him and guide him better but I also hate myself for bringing him into a world that will reject, taunt, and sometimes punish him for being different even more than he already is as a biracial child. The hyper focus on everything he could struggle with based on the traits he was born with is a daily loop among a 1,000 others that play on shuffle in my mind.
I am mentally exhausted but I’m also too unequipped in my ADHD to know how to rest.
Again, I wish I could just stream my thoughts, maybe then someone would help.
@nicolodeon1992
I hear you! Everything you are saying is valid. It resonates with me. I felt my world flipped, twisted and tried to get back in orbit when I was diagnosed with ADD. 2018, I was 35yo. After diagnosis, I didn't know what to do, I felt I had to learn more skills, to help me cope better but takes so much energy!!
My thoughts were just everywhere and even more noticeable after being diagnosed! I had history of anxiety and depression, but ADHD was never a concern, until an increase in anxiety, as my coping skills that worked for me no longer did. I wanted someone to hook me up to a computer, to just capture and download everything my brain was doing AND let me rest.
My psychiatrist said I learned how to 'cope' so I was able to graduate college, got my AA in Health sciences ,BS in Nursing and grades were good so it was missed. But without that structure of schooling and now in a work environment he wasn't a surprised I was struggling. It was comforting, but also dooming.
Im on a med routine and have to lean on therapy and executive functioning coaching to support me, but its challenging!
Hope it brings some comfort to the heart, you're not alone in this ADHD diagnosis.
@nicolodeon1992 Something you said here really stuck out to me: the generational trauma in your family has been a huge weight to you, but that you recognize in your son what you see in yourself and want to guide him better than you were. That’s a tremendous amount of advocacy for your son. You’re working to stop that cycle, and I really want to acknowledge your care and efforts for yourself and him.
Struggles to cope with ADHD is such a valid feeling on it’s own. On top of that, as a black woman, you’re a part of two groups that are both statistically underdiagnosed and under treated for ADHD. I’m glad you were able to get a diagnosis last year, but that’s such an incredibly frustrating place to be when it took so long after years of knowing something was there, looking for support, and not being able to find it. It’s incredibly unjustified and not fair to you.
Grieving the younger you who struggled for so long is absolutely understandable. I’m hearing that you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make sure your son doesn’t have the same experiences you did. Offering a close relationship of support and understanding alone sounds like already a world of difference from how you grew up. For me personally, having close relationships with people who very openly embrace my ADHD quirks is such a confidence boost that’s encouraged me throughout my life. I’ve had many friends that I learned years later, or who years later were diagnosed, with ADHD. We always “got” each other, but couldn’t put a finger on why. Now equipped with a better understanding of it, we’re able to embrace ourselves and each other better.
You’re a great advocate for both yourself and your son. Glad to have you here in the community, feel free to reach out anytime.