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onelastkiss
24,458 M Aiming High 4
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts1,621 Forum posts122 Forum upvotes155 Current upvotes155 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2019 Member sinceNovember 25, 2016
Bio
In my dreams I live in San Junipero.

IRL: 29 year old, living in Finland.
Recent forum posts
Overweight and tired of fighting with food.
Eating Disorder Support / by onelastkiss
Last post
 April 21st, 2019
...See more I'm so tired of fighting with food. The first half of the day I eat "healthy". The second half of evening I will eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, healthy or not. (I do eat "enough" in the morning, so it's not like I'm eating for starvation.) I'm ridiculously overweight (okay, only like 40 or 50 kilos) and both, my mental and physical health, is suffering from it. I can't afford all this food either, I'm running from one food bank to another, and my bills are constantly late because of this. I NEED to lose weight, but it feels like an impossible task because every time I "start over" in the morning, by evening its all gone down the drain. I know I need to change my "lifestyle", not diet, and that's what I'm trying to, and absolutely fail. I'm just so tired.
Lumbar punction and anxiety
Anxiety Support / by onelastkiss
Last post
 October 13th, 2018
...See more Like i said in the title: I'm supposed to have lumbar punction done on Tuesday, but I'm becoming so terrified of it that I'm thinking of canceling the whole procedure. I know it's a good thing to get done, but I'm terrified of getting the headache from it (I already suffer from migraines), being sick for several days and vomiting and having to go back to the hospital because of it all. I'm actually becoming so terrified of it, I'm getting sick just thinking about it already.
Take away Hope, and you've got nothing left. [comment whomever wishes]
Journals & Diaries / by onelastkiss
Last post
 September 24th, 2018
...See more Oh my god. I'm so tired I don't even wanna write anything, I just wanna cut and vomit, everything just hurts. I can't believe I'm back here. I want someone here to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay, but I've got a feeling the person I've been talking to for months doesn't wanna see me anymore, and she's got her own shit to deal with anyway. I try. I try to contact her and send her messages, but I can't get enough out of myself to make it into a conversation. It just ends up being a couple of sentences and that's it. I'm supposed to see my therapist tomorrow and I know she's gonna do the whole "where did this start from this time" and I don't have the energy to fight with her about how internet is the only place for me to exist and her going on about how I need to find other places "IRL". We're supposed to start with TRE too, and I'm supposed to have a physiotherapy group at the same time, and it's all just fucked. AND I'm broke, I can't afford a bus ticket to go town multiple times a week just to "go somewhere". I can't explain to her w hy because this whole thing should've been solved MONTHS ago. My therapy might end in december too and I can't afford private therapy. I'm alone and I'm desperate, I feel like I've been thrown aside again. I'm supposed to quit a medication I've been on and it's really fucking rough, I can't deal with this shit anymore. I've been fighting for so long. I keep saying that but it's so fucking hard.
Hypersexuality after continued sexual trauma.
Relationship Stress / by onelastkiss
Last post
 November 19th, 2019
...See more Here's a little something I've been thinking about - Hypersexuality after sexual abuse/assault. See, as far as I can remember inappropiate sexual behaviour or quote-unquote "hypersexuality" could be a sign of sexual abuse in children, right? Well, what about adults then? 'Cause I keep on getting myself into "situations of the sexual persuasion that I don't want to be in" simply because my brain is thinking about sex 24/7 and it bleeds into my real life (or "real life"). Like today, after a "session" that was (mostly) consentual I felt empty and so ashamed! But I was the one who got myself into that situation by talking dirty to this one guy. So I don't know what I'm asking. I guess just I'm wondering if this is even a possibility. I'm not doing it because I WANT to have sex, quite the opposite. But sex is still something that I just go after like a hound in heat, even tho I know I feel like crap afterwards. I know some people become "hypersexual" to take control of their sex life, they get hooked on the chemical release (could be the case with me) or they.. repeat the trauma? (Which DEFINATELY seems to be the case with me.) And if it is a possibility; what the HECK am I supposed to do about it? I already have a tough enough time being okay with sex and sexual things to begin with... And then I get myself into it anyway because eVeRyThInG in my head is somehow tied to sex.
Complete disconnect between body, mind, sex and emotion.
Relationship Stress / by onelastkiss
Last post
 March 29th, 2018
...See more How do I reclaim back a piece of me that was forcefully taken away when I was a child, and again when I was an adult. I feel like I don't own my body at all; My sexuality and my "organs" exist just for others to use and abuse; that my body is disgusting and filthy, and it's good for nothing else but as physical release for others. I'm still a virgin in the sense that I've never *Willingly* had sex with anyone... And now, while I want to have sex, I can't bring myself to find a partner (of any kind, temporary or permanent) because I feel like they would just rape me all over again. I'm 29 and I'm lost. If I'm in physical sexual contact with someone, I lose all feeling in my body. Literally, I can't feel what the other person is doing unless it's extremely painful. If I'm in a sexually/sensually charged conversation or situation with someone I get anxious, panicky and sometimes a full on panic attack. I want my sexuality back and I want to be able to enjoy sex, but I can't find men attractive at all because of all the abuse, and I can't trust anyone, male OR female with my emotions. What do I do? How can I "fix" this? I feel like I'm missing so much because I can't connect my mind and my sexuality, and in the future, if I get a LTR-partner, all I'm gonna do is disconnect from the sex anyway. So... Help? If anyone has any?
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