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passionateKite
1 256 M Embraced 2
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts34 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2025 Member sinceJune 10, 2025
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I'm just trying to find a way to be good.

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That's Day 2. I didn't make progress yesterday, but I'm not going to restart the counter.
Journals & Diaries / by passionateKite
Last post
 June 15th, 2025
...See more Wasn't I supposed to make anything since I've taken a decision that I'm going to change? Well, I didn't make any progress—except shifting my sleep a little yesterday to wake up at a different time and, hopefully, to finally fix my sleep. Now what? I'm going to talk about one main, important thing for healing (this time I'll force myself to do something about what I'll write—because reflection alone isn't enough). That thing is intention. You might think, "Yeah, I know my intentions. I know my why and that stuff." Well, your intentions might be wrong. It won't hurt to write them down because it will really drive you (it may not be the main drive, but a person needs to clear his intentions—that's the first step before doing literally anything). What are the things I'm trying to do? I'll clear them. * I'm trying to overcome my addictions and fantasies. Why? So I can have clarity in life and do the things that would help me with my life, and I want that so I can feel in control of my own choices and not worship the own habits I hate. * Better academic grades. Why? So I can overcome my procrastination habits and actually focus on my major and career long-term. Well, a bad grade doesn't represent a bad life (neither a good grade representing a good life), but it's an element that we have to work for. One other reason is my family. They've paid and worked hard for my own lectures and books. I know I'm in a serious, bad situation . I also know that I've been saying that I'll finally get up and study for the past eight months or something. Side exams are in two days, and main exams are in two weeks. I have to wake up. I know. * Better health, self-care, and physical fitness. Why? So I can respect my own body and mind. That's a hard statement. Because I'm the last person when it comes to respecting one's body and mind. I've damaged my brain and my physical health. And I've made it comforting—I got used to that. Well, if I kept going about the things I really want to do or change, the list would be huge (we all have that), and we don't want to get distracted by our own healing (or waking) process. What now? I'll force myself to do a task and make sure I actually do it. This isn't some to-do-list kind of thing—a to-do list should have more than one task throughout the day. This is a crucial task. Task One: Write down your priorities with their intentions. What are the things that you must do or are doing or are trying to do? And why did you decide that these must be done so that you can recognise your life? And for what or who? Maybe you can write in the comments, in your own private journal, or in your digital notebook. The point is to take a step forward.
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Starting fresh, I guess? Late, but 'starting' anyway.
Journals & Diaries / by passionateKite
Last post
 June 12th, 2025
...See more I hate the word 'Day One.' I've gone through it a lot. It's so familiar in an annoying way—the guilt, the mentality of 'This is the final time, I hope,' the productivity hits, organising my books and hobbies, and inhaling deeply, thinking lowly about myself, but there's a little hope that this is going to make a difference. Then, how many days again? Hmm.. I think it was four? Yeah, four. I always relapse and fall and procrastinate after half a day or a maximum of four days. Years of that, yup. Years of 'starting over.' I've journaled a lot. Tracked my habit, emotions, relapses, failures, goals, thoughts, and almost everything. So, is journaling and tracking bad or useless? No, no, not at all. It really helps—if you are already willing to change, lol. So, the problem? It's the intention. It's the willing to sacrifice. But, wait, intend what exactly or sacrificing what exactly? Well, it's vague—at least, for now. Of course, I'm trying to avoid a lot of things. Believe me, I've never sticked to anything in my entire life—except breathing every day; if that's a habit, lol. a sigh. I know, I know. I shouldn't be humouring this. I have serious problems. Addictions.. Serious deadlines that can result in many disappointments to close ones and family members.. Identity problems.. So many mistakes done to myself and others.. Turns out that being innocent or having innocent goals isn't enough. You have to act like someone who is righteous—not just by believing in morals. You have to act like an artist—not just by stacking 'sketches for later' or 'studying this course later' or 'that's a good story idea I'll write LATER' folders. You have to act like a warrior—not just by researching workout routines or watching gym rats online. You have to act like someone who actually hates porn—not just by feeling guilty after a relapse or after years of suffering with something that is literally poisoning your identity. So—as much as I hate this word—today is Day One. What's the challenge? Like, what's new? I've tried before. I know how bad my situations are. I've cried. I've corrupted my sleep. I've felt shame and guilt a lot. What's new, O smart one? Well.. about that.. The real thing is.. nothing's new—you gotta try again—except there's one thing. No more 'Day One's. Even if I fall. Even if I relapse a hundred times for a hundred days—I'll still call this day Day Hundred. So, my promise is journaling every day. Maybe not online, but I'll try. A minimum of one passage a day. Intention, dumping my phone, looking for accountability—real accountability with people who are struggling with similar or slightly similar problems—starting to study because I don't want to fail this year. Anyone with me? Not a goal—just a system. Not a one-hundred-days jouranl—just a lifetime journaling and accountability.
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I can't seem to let go of many addictions. It's ruining me.
Addiction Support / by passionateKite
Last post
 June 10th, 2025
...See more Well, my main addiction is compulsive masturbation since I've hit puberty or something (I'm 18 now). I don't think I ever had clarity in my whole life. I seem to get attached to a lot of ideas and goals—and, obviously, procrastinating everything in my life that's related to my identity. I want to let go of my phone, to actually study, to finally start working out, to happily become consistent with my prayers, to focus on my goals and hobbies, and to stop feeling dissociated from my own identity—but I can't. I can't stop consuming. The slightest thing distracts me, and I've never had any good habits. I know, my childhood is wasted. I wasted a lot of times. A lot of years, actually. I've been trying to journal, to track, to study, or to do any slight physical activity, but it all failed. This is my final school year (most important year), and the exams are in two weeks. And guess what? I didn't even finish half of the contents of my six subjects. That's why I feel *** about my whole life. My parents, here they are, doing everything financially to support my studies, and, here I am; procrastinating almost nine months. I'm sorry for all this talk. I know I need to wake up, but I just can't seem to do so. I don't know what could you all possibly do to help me, but I don't want to fail anyone.. or myself.. I know I don't deserve a lot of things. Not just because of my addictions to fantasy and comfort—or the compulsive behaviours of spending the whole day consuming and wasting my life, but also because I know that I did bad—or acted badly—to people that cared for me in the past. It's tiring. I'm tired. I just want to stop being dissociated and distant and weird and lazy and all of this.
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