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persistentCity3988
83 M Embraced
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2023 Member sinceSeptember 11, 2023
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TW. S.A. I named my trauma Jase.
Trauma Support / by persistentCity3988
Last post
 September 18th, 2023
...See more So, I gave my trauma a name in order to live with it. It makes it easier when my skin crawls, when i feel touched without anyone touching me, when i hear my own screams, or when the air simply floats around me and it feel like razor blades. I don't tell anyone. It's been 10 years and vivid flashbacks still come and go. Jase still comes around to say hi, to remind me I remain broken, that I remain... unpure, as if my body will never be mine again, even against all the love it's getting now. Jase is very intrusive, always chooses to come by when i'm on a walk, or when i'm taking a shower. Or even when a friend pets my shoulder. I was 13 years old and I knew nothing. Three "men" decided to take from me what I had, muy confidence, innocence, love for the world. It took 4 hours of torture to destroy the person I was, as the one I am becoming. I counted a total of 13.243 stars that night. I'm pretty sure I've repeated the numers many times, between fainting and waking up, and then fainting again. I never knew who they were. I just know that they let me live, for whatever reason, but sometimes I wish they didn't. I wish they let me die. That the last faint would be my last breath. I was trapped into daily panic attacks, and being unable to look at myself in the mirror. I was trapped into living the same moments almost every day, for 10 years. I'm trying to forget. I'm still living.
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