TW. S.A. I named my trauma Jase.
So, I gave my trauma a name in order to live with it.
It makes it easier when my skin crawls, when i feel touched without anyone touching me, when i hear my own screams, or when the air simply floats around me and it feel like razor blades. I don't tell anyone. It's been 10 years and vivid flashbacks still come and go. Jase still comes around to say hi, to remind me I remain broken, that I remain... unpure, as if my body will never be mine again, even against all the love it's getting now. Jase is very intrusive, always chooses to come by when i'm on a walk, or when i'm taking a shower. Or even when a friend pets my shoulder. I was 13 years old and I knew nothing. Three "men" decided to take from me what I had, muy confidence, innocence, love for the world. It took 4 hours of torture to destroy the person I was, as the one I am becoming. I counted a total of 13.243 stars that night. I'm pretty sure I've repeated the numers many times, between fainting and waking up, and then fainting again. I never knew who they were. I just know that they let me live, for whatever reason, but sometimes I wish they didn't. I wish they let me die. That the last faint would be my last breath. I was trapped into daily panic attacks, and being unable to look at myself in the mirror. I was trapped into living the same moments almost every day, for 10 years. I'm trying to forget. I'm still living.
@persistentCity3988 It is sorry to know that you have been suffering from this disease. Honestly, it is a bit difficult for me to understand how painful it is, but I know exactly how you want things to be done. Here is the thing. Suicide or any forms of self-harming actions are stupid - completely stupid. Why? Because you are ending your own pain in a way of transforming the pain to someone else. People around you are going to take on your pain and live on, despite the fact that you have ended your life. So, as this may make things worse, why don't you try to get support from your family and friends and try to adapt to the pain and carry on? It must be hard, but as you try, you will make a lot of difference.
