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philosophicalally
1 1,253 M Little Steps 4
Struggling with chronic pain and depression.
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts82 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes24 Current upvotes24 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2026 Member sinceApril 22, 2021
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Venting
General Support / by philosophicalally
Last post
 July 29th
...See more Hi everyone, I just needed a space to vent a little. I am not doing well lately. I have been struggling with chronic pain and health issues since March this year. I cannot even begin to describe how hard every day feels. On top of surviving the physical challenges I now live with, I am constantly grieving my life before this, I am grieving my life now, and I am grieving the future I thought I would have. The grief is immense and hurts a lot. I cry all the time because it is so hard to accept how I have to live now and how limiting everything feels. I am also struggling with feeling really down about myself; I can feel like I am useless and have nothing to offer anyone. I struggle with feeling like a burden and wanting to relieve everyone of me. I hate how much I cannot earn the way I wish to, how much passion I have to do so much in a body that cannot keep up; it hurts a lot. It is so heavy to feel myself wanting so much more, to do more, but I can't. I am still young and hoped for so much for myself. I constantly ask myself, why did this have to happen? I am in a really bad space emotionally and mentally, and I hate that I find myself here. The past few weeks, I keep having these intrusive thoughts to harm myself, and it's been so unsettling because I would not do that. My brain tries to rationalise that the people who love me will be okay without me and its so hard to witness this happening inside me. I isolate a lot because I am finding it so hard to be around people; I am not all sunshine and roses; I am depressed. I have lost a lot of my self-esteem and confidence because of the issue I have. I find it hard to talk to anyone about this because it is either minimised, or someone tries to point out the silver lining, or I get advice, and I just end up feeling even more alone and invalidated. It's just hard...I never realised how hard life can get, and I am constantly shocked at how bad depression can get. I find it so hard to even wake up in the mornings.  Today I just felt this intense dislike and hate for everything I am. I struggled so much to see any value I bring or anything good anymore. Being sick has just changed me to the point where I do not recognise myself. I feel like I am losing myself. I feel so bad for being this way, I just want to hide my pain from others; it's just too much. 😔Thank you for reading all this if you have. I just wanted to get some of this out. 
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Mother-in-law issues
20 & Over / by philosophicalally
Last post
 June 21st, 2023
...See more My partner's mother had been living with us for 2 months waiting until she found a place. Her staying with us was difficult as she was quite judgemental, made a lot of comments aimed at me, and started to read too much into things when I wanted to do my own thing or be in my own world. She is quite insecure and sees it as rejection when people don’t feel like talking or have things to do. She took offense and villainized me on 3 occasions now. It was a lot of chaos and drama. She said a lot of hurtful things to me, it was quite intense, and I haven’t experienced anyone talking to me that way before. I stood up for myself and fought back which was a whole learning curve on its own for me. Although she apologized, I still don’t feel okay. I feel unsafe around her in general after she has misread my actions and I often felt like I couldn’t breathe around her. She analyses everything I do and say and if something is off, it feels like chaos is lurking. It feels like I have to be a perfectly social butterfly 24/7. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. She found a place about 2 weeks ago in our complex and moved in there. She has left us alone for these last 2 weeks, so I felt myself relaxing in my body again and slowly recovering. I have been feeling good and a lot better these last few days. However today is her housewarming, and this morning I woke up with so much anxiety. I feel that feeling like I cannot breathe again. I feel unsafe in my body, I feel a knot in my stomach, and I feel frozen. Is this PTSD? Trauma? Emotional PSTD? I don’t know what to do because I try rationalizing in my head, but my body is reacting in its own way. I feel so out of control. I feel emotional not knowing how to self-soothe anymore. I try breathing exercises. I try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter how she perceives me or if she takes offense. But there is this helpless feeling of chaos that follows when she does read into something. It is just so challenging. I know I have to go there and be social today, but it feels like it is going to be so hard to be social. I feel like I am fighting back a panic attack or something. And I am wrestling with feelings of my reaction being ridiculous, not valid, and not being understood in this.
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