Venting
Hi everyone, I just needed a space to vent a little. I am not doing well lately. I have been struggling with chronic pain and health issues since March this year. I cannot even begin to describe how hard every day feels. On top of surviving the physical challenges I now live with, I am constantly grieving my life before this, I am grieving my life now, and I am grieving the future I thought I would have. The grief is immense and hurts a lot. I cry all the time because it is so hard to accept how I have to live now and how limiting everything feels. I am also struggling with feeling really down about myself; I can feel like I am useless and have nothing to offer anyone. I struggle with feeling like a burden and wanting to relieve everyone of me. I hate how much I cannot earn the way I wish to, how much passion I have to do so much in a body that cannot keep up; it hurts a lot. It is so heavy to feel myself wanting so much more, to do more, but I can't. I am still young and hoped for so much for myself. I constantly ask myself, why did this have to happen? I am in a really bad space emotionally and mentally, and I hate that I find myself here. The past few weeks, I keep having these intrusive thoughts to harm myself, and it's been so unsettling because I would not do that. My brain tries to rationalise that the people who love me will be okay without me and its so hard to witness this happening inside me. I isolate a lot because I am finding it so hard to be around people; I am not all sunshine and roses; I am depressed. I have lost a lot of my self-esteem and confidence because of the issue I have. I find it hard to talk to anyone about this because it is either minimised, or someone tries to point out the silver lining, or I get advice, and I just end up feeling even more alone and invalidated. It's just hard...I never realised how hard life can get, and I am constantly shocked at how bad depression can get. I find it so hard to even wake up in the mornings. Today I just felt this intense dislike and hate for everything I am. I struggled so much to see any value I bring or anything good anymore. Being sick has just changed me to the point where I do not recognise myself. I feel like I am losing myself. I feel so bad for being this way, I just want to hide my pain from others; it's just too much. 😔Thank you for reading all this if you have. I just wanted to get some of this out.
@philosophicalally
😔
The last thing we want to hear when we are so upset is that you'll be ok.
It'll get better 💚
Sometimes we need someone to listen.
To truly hear us.
Not trivialize.
And simply let us feel what we need to in those moments because only we know how we feel 💛
I'm sorry you are in pain.
It's exhausting.
It's isolating.
It's unfair
You are not a burden.
And your family do love you.
It'll take time to try and find a new way of being.
It's not fair when things are just taken from you, through no fault of your own 💛
Here for you 💚
@Amanda84 Thank you for your care and kindness, it means a lot. 💖
@philosophicalally
You are not a burden and people like your family do much very love you. it's really normal to take a long time for things to settle and genuinely it's understandable to feel like things are not fair when things taken away from you through no fault.
This community and the people are here for you ❤️❤️❤️ You're not ever alone and if you ever feel the need to vent or talk or want someone just to be present and to have someone stay and talk to you, we're here ☺️
@ArtisticAngel999 Thank you so much for the care and comfort. 💖
I won’t insult your intelligence or minimize your pain by trying to say “the right thing”.
All I can say is I feel you. No I’m not in your shoes and I can’t ever know what it’s like to be in your situation but from your words somehow I felt your pain.
This is coming from me who unfortunately can be cold and incapable of true empathy at times, yet your words were so well written, raw, vulnerable, honest and real that your pain came across even to me.
Your words represented the silent screams in your life no one hears of “does anyone see me, does anyone feel me?!”
Yes stranger do. I see you and I feel you. I see and feel the mountains you’re carrying. I feel you.
@skob11 Thank you for your reply. I felt very seen in what you said; it really meant a lot. Thank you for feeling into how heavy I feel and understanding where these words come from, it really does feel like the silent screams that no one hears. Thank you for seeing me. 😔
I want to give you a tight hug .as I don't know what and how to alleviate your pain .take care buddy
@dishashak Thank you. 🥹
I am truly sorry to hear this, dear. It sounds like you're going through so much, and I hope you make it through.
Regarding your thoughts of self harm, I think my experience is very similar. I'd never had blatant thoughts of self harm or self unaliving until a few years ago. It's debilitating, and I remember more than once screaming at a mirror "Not today!" You are not alone🫂
I hope you work through all of this. It'll take time. We are here for you if you need us ❤️
@HappySpecter Thank you so much for your kindness and care.💖 I am sorry you have also had thoughts of self-harm a few years ago. It is a lot to be in and feel.
I can only begin to imagine the depth of the grief you feel of losing what you used to be able to do, things you hoped would happen in the future in your mind and heart. It is okay to be angry, to say why me, am I the only one, no one else gets it, and jealousy that so many people can do what you no longer do. I am so sorry this happenned to you at a young age. Adjustment to the new reality will take time and that is perfectly understandable. Reach out to us at 7 cups anytime you need to.
@creativePenguin5558 Thank you so much for your understanding and reassuring message. It means a lot, it has been hard and I appreciate the validation in how okay it is to feel these things. 🥹💖
I don't know what to say because I feel overwhelmed right now also in my life right now but I wanna recommend you to Dr scott eilers to watch his YouTube videos and his videos helped me a lot from understanding anhedonia to depression etc hope it helps bro
It’s a dark place to be in and the “if only moments.” :(
Thank you for opening up to us all.
It’s the words that keep the heart feel safe rather than solutions when you are in pain. Fixing isn’t the point (nods).