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pickinguppieces26
819 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceJanuary 4, 2022
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Start of Mania
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by pickinguppieces26
Last post
 January 6th, 2022
...See more I woke up today with no motivation. I laid in bed and was refusing to get up at 3pm, then an hour later I HAD to clean the whole house. Then it changed to anger, it stayed that way for 5 hours. I was shaking with anger every time I thought of how I was being disrespected by someone in my household. Disrespect has always been a trigger for me. For it to be triggered while I was manic was like having a fire lit in my veins. I became petty and vindictive. I couldn't stop shaking while I typed to the person who was making me so upset. Now I'm lying awake in bed because I can't justify my anger. However, when she blamed my anger on my hormones therapy, I almost hit her. I walked away without calling her any vulgar names. Regardless, she will be in my home for the next week and I don't know how I'm going to handle being around her. I'm afraid of the things I will say. The ways my morals will twist in moments of anger. I'm afraid of who I will turn into in the weeks to come. I try to be self aware and think through my anger. To figure out if the intensity is appropriate and how to approach solving the problem that's causing my anger. When I'm manic, all of that self awareness seems to slip away. Coupled with borderline, my impulses become harder to control and identify, I simply don't trust myself to behave in ways I find honorable and appropriate. I don't believe in enabling and accepting disrespect, but I don't want to stoop to the level of the people who wrong myself and my family. What the heck am I gonna do. I want to give up completely, but it's not that simple.
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