Start of Mania
I woke up today with no motivation. I laid in bed and was refusing to get up at 3pm, then an hour later I HAD to clean the whole house. Then it changed to anger, it stayed that way for 5 hours. I was shaking with anger every time I thought of how I was being disrespected by someone in my household.
Disrespect has always been a trigger for me. For it to be triggered while I was manic was like having a fire lit in my veins. I became petty and vindictive. I couldn't stop shaking while I typed to the person who was making me so upset.
Now I'm lying awake in bed because I can't justify my anger. However, when she blamed my anger on my hormones therapy, I almost hit her. I walked away without calling her any vulgar names. Regardless, she will be in my home for the next week and I don't know how I'm going to handle being around her.
I'm afraid of the things I will say. The ways my morals will twist in moments of anger. I'm afraid of who I will turn into in the weeks to come.
I try to be self aware and think through my anger. To figure out if the intensity is appropriate and how to approach solving the problem that's causing my anger.
When I'm manic, all of that self awareness seems to slip away. Coupled with borderline, my impulses become harder to control and identify, I simply don't trust myself to behave in ways I find honorable and appropriate.
I don't believe in enabling and accepting disrespect, but I don't want to stoop to the level of the people who wrong myself and my family.
What the heck am I gonna do. I want to give up completely, but it's not that simple.
For me disrespect is my number one pet peeve and I have extreme difficulty handling it. And I too when I become manic I loose all self awareness and feel out of control. Although I did identify a moment where I spoke and realized there was no thought of what I said before I said it. It just come out and it was very scary for me.
It sounds like you are a very caring person and very concerned about doing the right things and not acting inappropriately. I would suggest when you can when you have those moments to remind yourself of these traits and focus on them. Also when confronted with this individual if you can leave the room and go someplace safe and do deep breathing to calm yourself. That's what I do I leave when a family member makes me upset because I can't just shut it off and be all good. I stew on it for awhile so I need my alone time. I tell my wife I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there until I'm better. I know this is all very scary it's not fair and it sucks. What works for me is distractions. I also collect baseball cards and play chess. The baseball cards I can pick up feel them look at them and read them. It gets me out of the funck for a little bit. I hope some of this helps and the best of luck to you.
