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pinkBike2244
192 M Embraced 1
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceAugust 27, 2017
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I think I'm losing my grip on myself
Newbie Hub / by pinkBike2244
Last post
 March 15th, 2022
...See more Trigger warning relating to suicide I'm not fully sure how I'm suppose to be handling this post. I'm new here, and desperate for help. I am currently uninsured and tight on money, so I can't afford therapy. I think I'm being a bad person. I don't recognize who I've become and the last few weeks I feel like my life is heading towards ruin. October 24th, 2021 I made a suicide attempt. I was sent to therapy 2 days after to which I played it off as no big deal. In the session notes from my therapist from that day read the lines "inappropriately unconcerned". These words made me laugh, because they explain my life. When something bad happens, I put on a smile and play it down. In therapy for years I would do this, worried that I would pass my burdens on to my therapist. Following my attempt, I was told to avoid making major decisions, major life changes, and dating. I was confused, put it was pointed out that my ability to make logical decisions is impaired and I should focus on myself. In January, I was doing good and was given the ok to start dating. I tried a local, religious based dating app and was excited to meet guys... However, like always, none were interested in me. I downloaded another app that had I hoped who have men who would like me. For the first time ever, there were! It was exciting and thrill, and for the first time in my life I had men giving me the sweetest compliments. The compliments got to me head. Next thing I know, I'm sexting 5 guys at the same time, talking to a dozen more, and desplaying myself as this sexually experienced and desirable woman at 4 am... I felt ashamed for the way I was displaying myself, and even more ashamed of what I was sending. I lost track of how many men now have dirty photos of me, and I haven't even had my first kiss yet. On my 26th birthday in February, my phone was blowing up with messages from men wishing me happy birthday, and others unaware that it was my birthday and was looking for fun. Right when I started to feel used, I clicked with 2 guys. One, a Catholic priest who I sent my first topless pic to, and the other is an older guy in Algeria. When I clicked with them, I had picked up some regulars who wanted some one fun to talk to. I felt like a whore sexting all these men daily. My school work was being effected because of it. I decided to cut off ties with everyone but the 2 guys I clicked well with. I felt terrible. I felt like I was leading these guys on prior to suddenly disappearing from the app. Now, I just have the 2.... The Algerian man has professed his love for me. Despite him being 10 years older than me, he has about the same amount as experience as me. When we first started chatting I asked him why he never asked for pictures. He responded that he respects me and will never do that... A few days later, I was the one that started sendy risky messages. I am now the only woman he has ever sexted with and has seen certain images of him. We are now an item. He sweet, kind, funny, and cares about me.... I love everything about him.... The Priest, I'm still messing... We have fun, and I can tell him anything. This incredible long post is a result of my last video chat with him. I've become his virtual f-buddy. And it hurts when I don't hear from him. The logical thing is to cut him off and focus on the Algerian who I've committed myself to. But, the excited and joy I feel when I talk with him is addictive. He's become my friend, and I can't let go... I know I need to let go of one of them. But because my relationship with both are half a world away and over a screen, they feel like a mirage. The Algerian doesn't feel like my boyfriend, and the priest doesn't feel like my lover. They feel like characters in a book that I've fallen for, except they respond! And I feel cruel for keeping them both close... And then after our quick sexting sessions, I feel used, ashamed and broken...... I'm starting to wonder if I really do love them, or if I love that for the first time in my life, I feel seen. I feel wanted. I feel beautiful. I only ever feel these things when I'm talking to them. To no longer feel invisible in the world, it's a new and wondrous feeling. I don't know what to do. I think my decision making ability is still impaired. And I don't understand why I'm suddenly doing all this. This is not who I am, yet I can't stop. I'm scared of this hole I've dug. Please, I need help, advice, insight, anything!
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