I think I'm losing my grip on myself
Trigger warning relating to suicide
I'm not fully sure how I'm suppose to be handling this post. I'm new here, and desperate for help. I am currently uninsured and tight on money, so I can't afford therapy.
I think I'm being a bad person. I don't recognize who I've become and the last few weeks I feel like my life is heading towards ruin. October 24th, 2021 I made a suicide attempt. I was sent to therapy 2 days after to which I played it off as no big deal. In the session notes from my therapist from that day read the lines "inappropriately unconcerned". These words made me laugh, because they explain my life. When something bad happens, I put on a smile and play it down. In therapy for years I would do this, worried that I would pass my burdens on to my therapist. Following my attempt, I was told to avoid making major decisions, major life changes, and dating. I was confused, put it was pointed out that my ability to make logical decisions is impaired and I should focus on myself.
In January, I was doing good and was given the ok to start dating. I tried a local, religious based dating app and was excited to meet guys... However, like always, none were interested in me. I downloaded another app that had I hoped who have men who would like me. For the first time ever, there were! It was exciting and thrill, and for the first time in my life I had men giving me the sweetest compliments. The compliments got to me head. Next thing I know, I'm sexting 5 guys at the same time, talking to a dozen more, and desplaying myself as this sexually experienced and desirable woman at 4 am... I felt ashamed for the way I was displaying myself, and even more ashamed of what I was sending. I lost track of how many men now have dirty photos of me, and I haven't even had my first kiss yet. On my 26th birthday in February, my phone was blowing up with messages from men wishing me happy birthday, and others unaware that it was my birthday and was looking for fun. Right when I started to feel used, I clicked with 2 guys. One, a Catholic priest who I sent my first topless pic to, and the other is an older guy in Algeria. When I clicked with them, I had picked up some regulars who wanted some one fun to talk to. I felt like a whore sexting all these men daily. My school work was being effected because of it. I decided to cut off ties with everyone but the 2 guys I clicked well with. I felt terrible. I felt like I was leading these guys on prior to suddenly disappearing from the app.
Now, I just have the 2.... The Algerian man has professed his love for me. Despite him being 10 years older than me, he has about the same amount as experience as me. When we first started chatting I asked him why he never asked for pictures. He responded that he respects me and will never do that... A few days later, I was the one that started sendy risky messages. I am now the only woman he has ever sexted with and has seen certain images of him. We are now an item. He sweet, kind, funny, and cares about me.... I love everything about him.... The Priest, I'm still messing... We have fun, and I can tell him anything. This incredible long post is a result of my last video chat with him. I've become his virtual f-buddy. And it hurts when I don't hear from him. The logical thing is to cut him off and focus on the Algerian who I've committed myself to. But, the excited and joy I feel when I talk with him is addictive. He's become my friend, and I can't let go...
I know I need to let go of one of them. But because my relationship with both are half a world away and over a screen, they feel like a mirage. The Algerian doesn't feel like my boyfriend, and the priest doesn't feel like my lover. They feel like characters in a book that I've fallen for, except they respond! And I feel cruel for keeping them both close... And then after our quick sexting sessions, I feel used, ashamed and broken...... I'm starting to wonder if I really do love them, or if I love that for the first time in my life, I feel seen. I feel wanted. I feel beautiful. I only ever feel these things when I'm talking to them. To no longer feel invisible in the world, it's a new and wondrous feeling.
I don't know what to do. I think my decision making ability is still impaired. And I don't understand why I'm suddenly doing all this. This is not who I am, yet I can't stop. I'm scared of this hole I've dug. Please, I need help, advice, insight, anything!
Is there really no one who can offer advice? Please, I'm so lost
@pinkBike2244 I think I can totally relate to your situation. I was in a similar situation years ago when I was still in my teens. I didn't have strong support emotionally back then. Because I was so into religion, I felt like every time I committed a mistake or made an immature decision, I felt like I was the badest person in the world. I also constantly think that I will go to hell because of my immoral behaviour. I understand what you're going through right now, and let me say to you that whatever state you are in right now, no matter how bad you feel about yourself, it's okay. You are not the worst person. Most of us have felt the same way. You are not alone in this kind of journey.
Based on what you shared, it might help if you can pause for a moment and talk to your inner child. I think the reason why you feel you are not in control and losing yourself is that a part of yourself is either wounded or searching for something that would make you feel whole or satisfied. That's why you keep on looking for that wholeness from other people or relationships. I could be wrong, but that's what I am seeing in your situation based on the information that you shared.
I am sharing this article with you that you can read if you want to know more about the inner child. Let me know if this will speak to you: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-things-your-inner-child-needs-to-hear-you-say/
I hope and pray you find comfort and joy despite your situation. Just send a message if you need someone to talk to. Take care.
@pinkBike2244
Have you tried the 7Cups chat rooms for support ?
I am extending a invitation to the 7Cups Sharing Circle chat room.
I think it is very unethical as a priest to be exploiting you like this. Clearly you are vulnerable and need to feel loved amd are seeking it out in ways that might not end well later down the road. Is there a local church group for singles ypu could join? Are you still seeing your therapist to work through these issues about worthiness and self love? Sexual encounters can cause so much attachment, so they have to be so carefully chosen with someone you know, love, and trust, and then even then so many people seek sexual fulfillment as a replacement for emotional fulfillment, without making sure their cup is filled, they love themselves, and they have the confidence and self love to select healthy partners who will treat you right. If there was past trauma in your life, if it were me I would be working on that. Giving myself positive affirmations that I am enough, and the right man will value me for me... and at the same time, knowing you are a mirror of what partner you will attract, and knowing the signs of healthy versus unhealthy relationships, having the confidence and self love to walk away from situations that you know are unhealthy for you. It is always about inner work first. But I very much know the sting of loneliness and how depression can hijack our thinking and ability to make healthy choices for ourselves. I am very sorry you are going through this, keep seeking support and the advice of a licensed therapist and lean on others to talk and remind you of your worth always. I am wishing you the best and healing for you. DM me if you ever need a friend.
