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HI all - I'm new to this forum but I thought I would try this approach out. I currently see a counselor and have friends who also have guided me through what I am about to explain below.
My partner and I have been seeing each other for a little over a year. When we first met I was going through a really hard time, my father who was my closet friend was struggling with cancer and we weren't sure how long he would live. It took me a while to open up to my boyfriend at the time to explain to him what was going on but when I finally did he was there for me. My father died about a month after our meeting and my boyfriend was there that day to comfort me. As the months went on he was there for me when I was struggling. the struggles I would go through lasted just a few moments but he was always there to listen.
As the months went on we started to have a few fights. mostly over silly things, but lots of times they would turn into something more. Our communication was off lots of times. I struggle with anxiety and it would sometimes get the best of me in these situations. I would feel like he was attacking me and putting me down, and I would get defensive, only to be hit back with "I'm sorry you feel that way but you are not listening". After the fights, we would always resolve them in a loving way and get back on track, but about 6 months in I found out my partner had cheated on me with his ex-fiancé. His ex had sent me a direct message on Instagram telling me what had happened and that he had received a handwritten love letter from him in the mail confessing his love. The letters were as well sent to me int he massages. I was completely heartbroken. This person I loved and cared about so much was madly in love with his ex, enough to go off and cheat on me. It took me a few weeks to heal but ended up forgiving him after we had come to the agreement he did all this to be able to move on and for him to completely give me all the love he had. I believed in the relationship and us so much that we moved on together.
Months went by where we were in a really great place, I was feeling like I had found the right life partner for me and was as happy as could be.
To put the next part into context I am a gay man in my early 30's. We started having conversations about our sex life and he asked me if I would be able to top him, I told him I was not sure I could do it as he was only the second person I had ever had sex with. I began to get nervous that I couldn't perform and would try to avoid it happening. The anxiety would not make it better. The conversation would get up many times but I would just say it will happen at some point but I just can't do that right now. I told him I would be able to at some point.
As we began the month of June, I started to notice him getting very depressed. He would be extremely grumpy and not want to get out of bed. I have a very expressive personality and this was hard to be shut down by him a lot. He would have good days and bad days. Two days before my fathers one-year anniversary of his death I texted with him saying i was feeling extremely down at work, he was very unresponsive to this and it upset me. I asked him if he could pick me up after work as I didn't want to take the train to get to his house (As I would almost all the time) and he said no. I got very upset about this and he ended up picking me up. He was very pissed about it.
By the time he got to my house to get me, he would not speak to me. We went to grab food and he was silent. We went back to his apartment to eat and i sat on the floor crying, talking about my anxiety of the anniversary coming up, and how I missed my father. He stood there doing the dishes, ignoring me. It upset me so much that he was being so unresponsive. i asked him what was wrong and why he was doing this and he wouldn't answer. Finally, he shouted at me that I was not the only one who was going through something and that he was trying not to kill himself. The response upset me so much, I told him that it was selfish of him to say something like that because my father wanted to live and not die, but he is healthy and he is saying he wants to die. I understand my response was not ok and i felt horrible for saying it but I thought that maybe that could knock some sense into him? I was wrong. He told me I didn't understand depression at all and I apologized and ask what I could do for him. We ended up just going to bed and letting it go. For the entire week, I asked him if he was ok, and he said yes and we went on from there. My dads anniversary came and it was fine, he was very supportive. He spoke to my friend about me joining his buddy pass (he is a flight attendant) as his partner.
The next weekend we were sitting on his bed, I asked him if he was ok and he said he felt like he didnt know if he wanted this relationship anymore. He felt confused. He told me he was upset with what I said about his suicidal thoughts and I explained to him I was in a bad place that day. I was extremely rocked by him saying that. I also then was very upset he said he didnt know if he wanted to be with me anymore. He felt we hit a wall. He felt that we were not on the same level. Like I just had too much going on. I got upset and went home.
He called and texted me right after saying let me come pick you up, i said ok but why do you want to If you dont want to be with me? He couldnt answer it and decided not to come. He told me he was extremely depressed. I told him I was there for him and I would just come back to his house. he told me no so I respected his space.
two days passed and on father day he told me he needed to end the relationship. He felt he was not in a place to be able to be with me and didnt know if we would ever get back together. He felt we didnt connect on the level we should have. I was extremely hurt as I thought we could get through this. I told him I wanted to make this work and that I had already been reading up about depression and how to handle it with a partner. He said no, he needed time to himself but he would like me as a friend.
A few days went by and I was extremely upset. I felt my world had come crashing down. I wanted to be there for him and help him through this but didnt know how. I started researching the hell out of depression, printing out huge stacks of papers to read, which I went through and highlighted everything I possibly could about depression and what its like. I really dug deep into it. Podcast, looking up support groups, etc. I sent him an amazing mediation book in the mail that I heard about on a podcast about depression. I also looked into communication in relationship and ways he could feel comfortable opening up to me. A week and a half after it happened I had him over to my house to talk. I told him I had been doing all this work on depression and communication to try to be there for him and his struggles. The thought of loosing this person sounded horrible to me, better yet to suicide. I felt so bad for him and wanted to help him in any way possible. I told him he always has a friend in me, day or night. I gave him the stuff I had been working on as I wanted it to be extra help for himself. I wanted him to know I cared tremendously about him. It was hard ot just see him for the 30 minutes and it not be in the loving way we had always hungout.
The next day he started texting me like we were back in our relationship, really positive things about how he was feeling, and funny things throughout the day. I felt like things were going o go back to normal very soon. That night I called him and asked if he wanted to hangout maybe, he told me no. I asked do you ever see us getting back together? He responded with I cant answer that and that if I felt I needed to move on he would understand. I freaked out and let the emotions get the best of me. I told him I couldnt be just his friend. I went to his house and cried. He kicked me out. The next day I apologized as I felt I had broke.
Two more weeks went by and he would text me almost every day. It became too, much for me and I asked him again, where do you see us going, would we ever get back into a relationship? He said he didnt have an answer. I asked if I should move on and he said I need to do what I think is right. I lost it and spilled my heart out. I told him how much I love him and how I wanted to be with him so bad. I wanted him as my life partner. He was very cold with his answers and kind of shut me down. The rejection was too much. I started getting sick and I told him I couldnt do this anymore. I needed more than this strange limbo of friendship we were in. He never responded. I called him and he spoke down to me. I asked him if he was talking to other guys and said he could if he wanted to and it was none of my business.
A few days later I wrote him again and said Im sorry for the incoherent messages and that I was very emotional. I told him this is not healthy and we should go our own ways. I also told him I was always there for him if he needed a shoulder to cry on about his depression. His response a few days later to that was he was hurt that I couldnt find stable ground for my emotions. I responded again this isnt healthy and that I have made the decision to move on as I too needed to put myself first. I told him I will always love him and always here for him but the uncertainty is making me crazy. He never responded, just deleted and blocked me on social media.
My question is, now what? I love this guy so much and I just feel hurt that he disappeared. That I almost feel like what we had wasnt what he even wanted. I feel saddened that this all has happened. I dont want him to think I abandoned him during this. I understand depression takes over and makes it so you cant feel anythign sometimes but what should I do?
