Depressed Partner Broke Up w/ Me

@pinkSea2371

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

As the months went on we started to have a few fights. mostly over silly things, (There's no such things as silly fights...theres something going on here thats causing these fights) but lots of times they would turn into something more. (They were definetly not silly fights, something must had triggered you or your partner, so it end up in something bigger) Our communication was off lots of times. (The root of this problem is anxiety) I struggle with anxiety and it would sometimes get the best of me in these situations. (This tells me you have a very hard time soothing your own anxiety, which makes you do and say things to pull your partner closer to you). I would feel like he was attacking me and putting me down, (He is being negative here, which will cause you to feel disconnected from him) and I would get defensive, only to be hit back with "I'm sorry you feel that way but you are not listening". (He is minimizing your feelings and the situation. The way he said that shows he is not the kind of person who will accept responsability, so he will often blame you) After the fights, we would always resolve them in a loving way and get back on track, but about 6 months in I found out my partner had cheated on me with his ex-fiancé. His ex had sent me a direct message on Instagram telling me what had happened and that he had received a handwritten love letter from him in the mail confessing his love. (This is a red flag here, he was not open and honest about his feelings for the ex) The letters were as well sent to me int he massages. I was completely heartbroken. This person I loved and cared about so much was madly in love with his ex, enough to go off and cheat on me. (This shows he doesn't have intengrity, if he did it once then there's a chance he might do it again) It took me a few weeks to heal but ended up forgiving him after we had come to the agreement he did all this to be able to move on and for him to completely give me all the love he had. I believed in the relationship and us so much that we moved on together.

Months went by where we were in a really great place, I was feeling like I had found the right life partner for me and was as happy as could be. To put the next part into context I am a gay man in my early 30's. We started having conversations about our sex life and he asked me if I would be able to top him, I told him I was not sure I could do it as he was only the second person I had ever had sex with. I began to get nervous that I couldn't perform and would try to avoid it happening. (I believe this is called performance anxiety? where your body could send stress throughout your body and then the arousal part will be gone. I could see why you would avoid it, however it's always best to be honest when it comes to this) The anxiety would not make it better. The conversation would get up many times but I would just say it will happen at some point but I just can't do that right now. I told him I would be able to at some point.(You are just going around in circles, giving him hopes when this is something you don't want to do. How would you feel if he does this to you?)

As we began the month of June, I started to notice him getting very depressed. He would be extremely grumpy and not want to get out of bed. (I believe this is an accumulation of things he goes through that he keeps on the back of his mind a lot, so now they become overwhelming and affects how he feels) I have a very expressive personality and this was hard to be shut down by him a lot. He would have good days and bad days. Two days before my fathers one-year anniversary of his death I texted with him saying i was feeling extremely down at work, he was very unresponsive to this and it upset me.(The unresponsive part has to do with feel uncomfortable when it comes to emotions and what he is going through. I do believe you felt unloved and uncared when he was unresponsible which triggered your anxiety) I asked him if he could pick me up after work as I didn't want to take the train to get to his house (As I would almost all the time) and he said no. (In here you are already feeling anxious and disconnected, so you are trying to force a connection by having him pick you up. You are also mostly focus on soothing your own anxiety without paying attention on how unresponsive he is, so your anxiety actually pushed him away here. I do believe he shouldn't have treated you like this, but its important to soothe your own anxiety) I got very upset about this and he ended up picking me up. (The way you get upset its how you learned to get your needs met in the past, so its a pattern you have been using.) He was very pissed about it. (This tells me he is the kind of person who doesn't openly express anger, so he uses indirect ways)

By the time he got to my house to get me, he would not speak to me. (As a child thats how he learned to express "Im angry at you", if you even talk to him then he would be hostile and short with you. This shows he has a lot of grow up to do on this area, because he was being childish) We went to grab food and he was silent. (This is another way to express "Im angry at you", by being silent he expects you to know that he is angry. He is using silent treatment here, its a very childish thing to do) We went back to his apartment to eat and i sat on the floor crying, (I can tell his behavior really hurt you, honestly its hurtful experiencing this behavior) talking about my anxiety of the anniversary coming up, and how I missed my father. He stood there doing the dishes, ignoring me. (This is awful...this another way of expressing "Im angry at you", this is a red flag because its next to impossible to have an adult conversation with him...) It upset me so much that he was being so unresponsive. (Its understandable how you feel, it would upset me too as well. I can tell you felt disconnection which made you feel physical and emotional pain.) i asked him what was wrong and why he was doing this and he wouldn't answer. (He will not answer because of the way he was raised as child. His parents often minimize his feelings of anger, anxiety, sadness and hurt, so he learned to not communicate those feelings out of fear of being abandoned. A parents doing this will make the child think "I guess i shouldn't express myself, and theres nothing there", so it messes with the child ability to bond and connect) Finally, he shouted at me that I was not the only one who was going through something (Its tough going through things in life, but how you are supposed to know when he barely tells you anything?) and that he was trying not to kill himself. (This is a very deep depression he has) The response upset me so much, I told him that it was selfish of him to say something like that because my father wanted to live and not die, (I understand where you are coming from, but in here you didn't quite listen to what he said "he was trying not to kill himself", you wanted to know what was going on and he tells you, but then you say that. You are both out of control here, there's no safety and you are both feelings disconnected at this point) but he is healthy and he is saying he wants to die. I understand my response was not ok and i felt horrible for saying it but I thought that maybe that could knock some sense into him? (I see what you are trying to do, but it will backfire) I was wrong. He told me I didn't understand depression at all (He is feeling disconnected right now. I believe you are both acting selfish and getting triggered constantly) and I apologized and ask what I could do for him. We ended up just going to bed and letting it go. For the entire week, I asked him if he was ok, and he said yes and we went on from there. (He is trying to push things under the rug here)My dads anniversary came and it was fine, he was very supportive. He spoke to my friend about me joining his buddy pass (he is a flight attendant) as his partner.

The next weekend we were sitting on his bed, I asked him if he was ok (If you ask this question often it's going to push him away because the fear he has regarding closeness. A secure or anxious partner would be more open to share it, but an avoidant will try to avoid it until they explode) and he said he felt like he didnt know if he wanted this relationship anymore. He felt confused. He told me he was upset with what I said about his suicidal thoughts and I explained to him I was in a bad place that day. (Okay, you both have this same issue regarding defensiveness. If a partner tells you "Im still mad about what you did", then the coorect response should be "Oh I see, tell me more, I want to know more about how you feel", but you used defensiveness which will make him feel disconnected and get him more angry) I was extremely rocked by him saying that. I also then was very upset he said he didnt know if he wanted to be with me anymore. (Your anxiety and fear of abandonment were triggered here) He felt we hit a wall. He felt that we were not on the same level. Like I just had too much going on. I got upset and went home. (This is a bad move because nothing is going to get solved this way. He tends to do similar things as well, and shutting down, so you both need to work on it)

He called and texted me right after saying let me come pick you up, i said ok but why do you want to If you dont want to be with me? He couldnt answer it and decided not to come. He told me he was extremely depressed. I told him I was there for him and I would just come back to his house. he told me no so I respected his space. (You did the right things here)

Two days passed and on father day he told me he needed to end the relationship. He felt he was not in a place to be able to be with me and didnt know if we would ever get back together. He felt we didnt connect on the level we should have. (It's hard to connect with him on an emotional level when he barely tells you things, but the fights played a role on the downfall on this relationship) I was extremely hurt as I thought we could get through this. I told him I wanted to make this work and that I had already been reading up about depression and how to handle it with a partner. (You are doing this to change his mind, however its not enough time to suddenly learned everything) He said no, he needed time to himself but he would like me as a friend. (I hope you didn't accept friendship because it would be almost impossible to get out of it)

A few days went by and I was extremely upset. I felt my world had come crashing down. I wanted to be there for him and help him through this but didnt know how. (The only way is to give space until he comes back to you) I started researching the hell out of depression, printing out huge stacks of papers to read, which I went through and highlighted everything I possibly could about depression and what its like. I really dug deep into it. Podcast, looking up support groups, etc. I sent him an amazing mediation book in the mail that I heard about on a podcast about depression. (You shouldn't sent him things or even reach out to someone who broke up with you and was not willing to see you or work on things with you) I also looked into communication in relationship and ways he could feel comfortable opening up to me. A week and a half after it happened I had him over to my house to talk. I told him I had been doing all this work on depression and communication to try to be there for him and his struggles. (This is really sweet of you, I could see how much you care and love him, but you are doing this to pull him closer because you have been feeling tremendous amounts of anxiety. You should be putting yourself first more when someone breakups with you, because you have value) The thought of loosing this person sounded horrible to me, better yet to suicide. (I honestly think what you did shows your devotion and love for him, but you were mostly focused on what you wanted (to reconnect), and not what he wanted which is space. You got to respect a person decision to end things, if you don't then it's going to tell the other person you can't stand up on your own two feet) I felt so bad for him and wanted to help him in any way possible. I told him he always has a friend in me, day or night. (You want him in a romantic way, not a friendship kind of a way, so this is your way to slowly enter his life in hopes it turns into romance) I gave him the stuff I had been working on as I wanted it to be extra help for himself. I wanted him to know I cared tremendously about him. It was hard ot just see him for the 30 minutes and it not be in the loving way we had always hungout.

The next day he started texting me like we were back in our relationship, really positive things about how he was feeling, and funny things throughout the day. (This sounds more like a friendship) I felt like things were going o go back to normal very soon. That night I called him and asked if he wanted to hangout maybe, he told me no. (It's very important that you do not reach out first to someone who ended things, it will turn them off and then they will behave in a cold way) I asked do you ever see us getting back together? (Your anxiety led you to ask this kind of question, this is something you shouldn't ask like this right away specially when you reached out first after the breakup. A person needs time and space away from you, on order to miss you, and if they do then they will reach out to you. Once they reach out to you its where they will be more open to see you, but in here you came on strong) He responded with I cant answer that and that if I felt I needed to move on he would understand. I freaked out and let the emotions get the best of me. I told him I couldnt be just his friend. (Good, you shouldn't be friends with him when you want something more) I went to his house and cried. He kicked me out. The next day I apologized as I felt I had broke. (You are chasing him after he kick you, your reaching out first has to stop)

Two more weeks went by and he would text me almost every day. (You see? He missed you and then he started to reach out to you first) It became too, much for me and I asked him again, where do you see us going, would we ever get back into a relationship? (You are coming on too strong again here, it takes awhile for the relationship to start. A breakup basically puts you two as if you met yesterday, so you two will have to spend time together (without talking about a relationship or negative feelings) on order for his feelings to grow for you again) He said he didnt have an answer. I asked if I should move on and he said I need to do what I think is right. I lost it and spilled my heart out. I told him how much I love him and how I wanted to be with him so bad. I wanted him as my life partner. (I understand you love him so much and want him, but you are smothering him and coming on strong. He needs to be the one to say these things first since he breakup with you. You are saying all of this to force a re connection and pull him closer, but it will always end up pushing him away) He was very cold with his answers and kind of shut me down. (He is doing this to push you away) The rejection was too much. I started getting sick and I told him I couldnt do this anymore. I needed more than this strange limbo of friendship we were in. (He reached out because he missed you and wanted to interact with you again, but the way you expressed your feelings so soon caused him to feel smothered. You are doing and saying things because you are not able to soothe your anxiety) He never responded. I called him and he spoke down to me. I asked him if he was talking to other guys (It's a bad idea to ask him this, your anxiety and fear of losing him are making you say all of these things) and said he could if he wanted to and it was none of my business.

A few days later I wrote him again and said Im sorry for the incoherent messages and that I was very emotional. (I understand you are feeling anxiety and guilty, but reaching out first will only do more harm than good. You are trying to pull him closer, and its actually pushing him away) I told him this is not healthy and we should go our own ways. (Why say this to him? I believe you are trying to create some sort of response out of him by saying this.) I also told him I was always there for him if he needed a shoulder to cry on about his depression. (You told him "I don't want to be friends", but you are going against what you are saying. You are also doing this because you would rather stay in his life in some small capacity to never lose him) His response a few days later to that was he was hurt that I couldnt find stable ground for my emotions. I responded again this isnt healthy and that I have made the decision to move on as I too needed to put myself first. I told him I will always love him and always here for him but the uncertainty is making me crazy. (You can't expect a person who broke up with you to be in a relationship after a day, week or a month, its going too fast. A breakup puts a reset button on what you two have, so its as if you two met yesterday. Restablishing or rekindling a relationship takes a long time, but you felt anxiety and wanted things to happen too fast so it made him pull away from you.) He never responded, just deleted and blocked me on social media. (He is very angry at you...)

My question is, now what? (Do nothing...don't reach out or send him anything until he reaches out first and don't do the same mistake of telling him all of your feelings if he contacts you again) I love this guy so much and I just feel hurt that he disappeared. That I almost feel like what we had wasnt what he even wanted. I feel saddened that this all has happened. I dont want him to think I abandoned him during this.(Well he is not thinking about something like that) I understand depression takes over and makes it so you cant feel anythign sometimes but what should I do? (Don't ever reach out first or send him anything, wait to hear from him)

@pinkSea2371 Hi there. In case this makes my attempt at helping invalid to an adult I thought I should mention that I am a teen. Anyway, it seems to me like he is experiencing something similar to what one of my friends did. See, she genuinely believed I was a bitch and a really bad person when her depression was really bad. It was as if she couldnt see the world around her. She pushed me around all the time and invalidated any feelings or opinions I had. I have a feeling if he gets better he will be much like my friend, more sympathetic. Sadly I do not know if he will want to be in a relationship again, but I believe you can find someone else. Remember, you deserve to be loved!